Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Your Birthday Today
You'll be brought face-to-face with your own mortality this week during a series of harrowing stabs to the jaw and forehead.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Long after your death, many will remember you as the first man ever to simultaneously break both the sound and cement barrier.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Your new Civil War novel would have made a welcome addition to the corpus of American historical fiction if its main storyline hadn't already been used in an episode of Knight Rider.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
A man is often known by the company he keeps, which is more than enough reason for you to close down Wanton Bigotry, Inc.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You'll wake up next to a dead Taiwanese prostitute Sunday morning, and immediately regret your decision to pick up a dead Taiwanese prostitute the night before.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Unexpected and startling events in the coming days will compel you to become more familiar with your monthly menstrual cycle.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Your new job as a quality-control tester gets off to a rocky start when you fall for the old peanut-brittle-can gag 76 times in a row.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
While it may not be the most elegant of methods, you'll nonetheless solve a problem with your in-laws this week through the process of elimination.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You'll be made to feel like a princess this week when you're betrothed, without prior consultation, to the odorous and rotten-toothed King Gumperthon of neighboring Ilswich.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
A double-inclined plane will—through the application of downward force—drive a wedge between you and your spouse this week.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will be judged today by a group of your peers, as well as tomorrow and every subsequent day until graduation.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
After being tied to a set of railroad tracks for several decades, you'll finally meet your demise this week with the arrival of a repeatedly delayed Amtrak train.
