Past Horoscopes
June 26, 2009
Aries Avoid confrontation at work today. Sneak up behind your boss and slowly strangle him to death.
June 16, 2009
Taurus The stars find that the time has come for you to put away childish things. Yes, that includes your three small children.
June 9, 2009
Gemini You're the kind of person who likes to have the right tool for the job, so don't be caught without a complete set of dental picks this week.
June 2, 2009
Cancer Cancer represents the descent of the self into the collective ocean of spirit and thought. Also, Cancer represents whatever other bullshit you're willing to believe this week.
May 26, 2009
Leo Remember: No matter how bad things get, or how hopeless life may seem, you can always go home again and take it out on your family.
May 19, 2009
Virgo Take solace in this: There is a meaning and purpose to the universe, even if it's far too complicated for you to understand, and won't pay off for years.
May 12, 2009
Libra Get ready to kiss your niece, your nephew, and all of your godchildren goodbye. Though, this time, try not to slip them the tongue while you do it.
May 5, 2009
Scorpio You'll kick back this week with a little bit of Grandpa's cough medicine, which is too bad, as Grandpa was a radiation oncologist.
May 1, 2009
Sagittarius Your decision to take up bicycling will cause many in your area to rethink their call for increased bicycle safety.
Your Birthday Today
You'll be brought face-to-face with your own mortality this week during a series of harrowing stabs to the jaw and forehead.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Long after your death, many will remember you as the first man ever to simultaneously break both the sound and cement barrier.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Your new Civil War novel would have made a welcome addition to the corpus of American historical fiction if its main storyline hadn't already been used in an episode of Knight Rider.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
A man is often known by the company he keeps, which is more than enough reason for you to close down Wanton Bigotry, Inc.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You'll wake up next to a dead Taiwanese prostitute Sunday morning, and immediately regret your decision to pick up a dead Taiwanese prostitute the night before.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Unexpected and startling events in the coming days will compel you to become more familiar with your monthly menstrual cycle.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Your new job as a quality-control tester gets off to a rocky start when you fall for the old peanut-brittle-can gag 76 times in a row.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
While it may not be the most elegant of methods, you'll nonetheless solve a problem with your in-laws this week through the process of elimination.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You'll be made to feel like a princess this week when you're betrothed, without prior consultation, to the odorous and rotten-toothed King Gumperthon of neighboring Ilswich.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
A double-inclined plane will—through the application of downward force—drive a wedge between you and your spouse this week.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will be judged today by a group of your peers, as well as tomorrow and every subsequent day until graduation.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
After being tied to a set of railroad tracks for several decades, you'll finally meet your demise this week with the arrival of a repeatedly delayed Amtrak train.
