Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
You'll be brought face-to-face with your own mortality this week during a series of harrowing stabs to the jaw and forehead.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Long after your death, many will remember you as the first man ever to simultaneously break both the sound and cement barrier.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Your new Civil War novel would have made a welcome addition to the corpus of American historical fiction if its main storyline hadn't already been used in an episode of Knight Rider.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
A man is often known by the company he keeps, which is more than enough reason for you to close down Wanton Bigotry, Inc.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You'll wake up next to a dead Taiwanese prostitute Sunday morning, and immediately regret your decision to pick up a dead Taiwanese prostitute the night before.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Unexpected and startling events in the coming days will compel you to become more familiar with your monthly menstrual cycle.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Your new job as a quality-control tester gets off to a rocky start when you fall for the old peanut-brittle-can gag 76 times in a row.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
While it may not be the most elegant of methods, you'll nonetheless solve a problem with your in-laws this week through the process of elimination.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You'll be made to feel like a princess this week when you're betrothed, without prior consultation, to the odorous and rotten-toothed King Gumperthon of neighboring Ilswich.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
A double-inclined plane will—through the application of downward force—drive a wedge between you and your spouse this week.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will be judged today by a group of your peers, as well as tomorrow and every subsequent day until graduation.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
After being tied to a set of railroad tracks for several decades, you'll finally meet your demise this week with the arrival of a repeatedly delayed Amtrak train.
