Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
They say you have a head for numbers, but that's because "head for tumors" isn't really an expression.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your shortness of breath and wild fainting spells will be cured this week, thanks to a series of well-placed commas.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, though it's your habit of cooking naked that's really pissing the neighbors off.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
The stars apologize for last week's prediction of "money problems." Looks like they forgot the "k" in there.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You'll soon possess the courage of 10 men, and the sexually transmitted diseases of about 50.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
The stars foresee a second job promotion in the days to come, though they should probably be telling Dave about it instead of you.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Your creativity will be at an all-time high today, much to the dismay of your wife, the vacuum-cleaner salesman, and the dozen or so poodles.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Text "LIBRA" now for your chance to enter our weekly Astrological Giveaway! (Contest void in Hawaii, Alaska, and the binary star system of Alpha Centauri.)
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You're no art expert, but you know what you like, which explains all the meatball sandwiches hanging on your walls.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Things will look up this week, before bearing their teeth, rearing up on their hind legs, and suddenly leaping at your throat.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You may not be a wealthy man, or a rich man, or even a prosperous man, but then, you do have a mastery of English-language synonyms.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
It may seem like torture to you now, but one day you'll thank your parents for ripping off those fingernails.
