Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
A new chapter in your life is about to begin, though to be fair, it'll still contain the same tired dialogue and unlikable cast of characters you've come to expect.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your heart will be in the right place this Thursday. Unfortunately, the same can't be said for the rest of your inner organs.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
While it's true that we all wear masks in our day-to-day lives, yours is the only one with both an elastic band and plastic eyeholes.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
After years of hard work, you'll finally be honored this week for your contributions to the field of Wasting Other People's Valuable Time.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Look to nature for encouragement and inspiration this week. Do this for as many ungodly hours as it damn well takes.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Yes, you're the result of a top-secret military project to meld man with machine. Unfortunately, the project's main objective was to build a better coffee maker.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
It's strange the things we do when we fall in love, especially considering the rather strict regulations governing domestic livestock.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
It will smell like burnt toast, taste like burnt toast, and even look like burnt toast, but you'll be damned if it isn't just a massive cerebral hemorrhage of the frontal lobe.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
The stars predict the start of you getting a little more proactive about your own fucking future for a change. Seriously, enough is enough.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your lucky gastrointestinal parasites for this week are: Cryptosporidium, hookworm, Giardia, and Trematodes.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
A stirring piece of classical music will soon move you in ways you never thought possible. Still, thrusting one's pelvis to Tchaikovsky is frowned upon in most concert halls.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Misery may love company, but it's been over a month now that you've been crashing on its couch, and, well, you're really starting to bum misery out.
