Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
Religion will soon instill in you a renewed sense of purpose. Also, it will soon instill in you a renewed sense of fear, a renewed sense of guilt, and a renewed sense of shame.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
There won't be a dry eye in the house this week when support beams collapse under the heat of 10-foot flames and block all available exit routes.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Your crude sense of humor will offend many this week, while the amount you supposedly charge for a standard mustache ride will offend the rest.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
While curiosity may have killed the cat, your wife and kids will soon fall victim to a deadly blend of anger and mistrust.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You never considered yourself to be someone who's particularly good with his hands, but that's not to say that you won't miss them.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
An old adage will be proven wrong this Thursday when bad things come to you in two-hundred-and-forty-threes.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You'll learn the value of a dollar this week when drug lords put an emotionally devastating price on your head.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Disgrace will be yours when a conservationist, an animal-rights activist, and the host of a weekly get-together all label you as bad for the environment.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your belief that others are secretly conspiring against you is truly absurd. In fact, they couldn't be more open about it if they tried.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Sadly, your insatiable thirst for blood says more about the physical shape you're in than anything else.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Others can say what they want, but flogging that dead horse just seems to get funnier the more you do it.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
After a string of rejections, you'll finally find love this week on the most unlikely of street corners.
