Past Horoscopes
June 26, 2009
Aries Avoid confrontation at work today. Sneak up behind your boss and slowly strangle him to death.
June 16, 2009
Taurus The stars find that the time has come for you to put away childish things. Yes, that includes your three small children.
June 9, 2009
Gemini You're the kind of person who likes to have the right tool for the job, so don't be caught without a complete set of dental picks this week.
June 2, 2009
Cancer Cancer represents the descent of the self into the collective ocean of spirit and thought. Also, Cancer represents whatever other bullshit you're willing to believe this week.
May 26, 2009
Leo Remember: No matter how bad things get, or how hopeless life may seem, you can always go home again and take it out on your family.
May 19, 2009
Virgo Take solace in this: There is a meaning and purpose to the universe, even if it's far too complicated for you to understand, and won't pay off for years.
May 12, 2009
Libra Get ready to kiss your niece, your nephew, and all of your godchildren goodbye. Though, this time, try not to slip them the tongue while you do it.
May 5, 2009
Scorpio You'll kick back this week with a little bit of Grandpa's cough medicine, which is too bad, as Grandpa was a radiation oncologist.
May 1, 2009
Sagittarius Your decision to take up bicycling will cause many in your area to rethink their call for increased bicycle safety.
Your Birthday Today
Religion will soon instill in you a renewed sense of purpose. Also, it will soon instill in you a renewed sense of fear, a renewed sense of guilt, and a renewed sense of shame.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
There won't be a dry eye in the house this week when support beams collapse under the heat of 10-foot flames and block all available exit routes.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Your crude sense of humor will offend many this week, while the amount you supposedly charge for a standard mustache ride will offend the rest.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
While curiosity may have killed the cat, your wife and kids will soon fall victim to a deadly blend of anger and mistrust.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You never considered yourself to be someone who's particularly good with his hands, but that's not to say that you won't miss them.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
An old adage will be proven wrong this Thursday when bad things come to you in two-hundred-and-forty-threes.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You'll learn the value of a dollar this week when drug lords put an emotionally devastating price on your head.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Disgrace will be yours when a conservationist, an animal-rights activist, and the host of a weekly get-together all label you as bad for the environment.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your belief that others are secretly conspiring against you is truly absurd. In fact, they couldn't be more open about it if they tried.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Sadly, your insatiable thirst for blood says more about the physical shape you're in than anything else.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Others can say what they want, but flogging that dead horse just seems to get funnier the more you do it.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
After a string of rejections, you'll finally find love this week on the most unlikely of street corners.
