Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Your Birthday Today
Religion will soon instill in you a renewed sense of purpose. Also, it will soon instill in you a renewed sense of fear, a renewed sense of guilt, and a renewed sense of shame.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
There won't be a dry eye in the house this week when support beams collapse under the heat of 10-foot flames and block all available exit routes.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Your crude sense of humor will offend many this week, while the amount you supposedly charge for a standard mustache ride will offend the rest.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
While curiosity may have killed the cat, your wife and kids will soon fall victim to a deadly blend of anger and mistrust.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You never considered yourself to be someone who's particularly good with his hands, but that's not to say that you won't miss them.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
An old adage will be proven wrong this Thursday when bad things come to you in two-hundred-and-forty-threes.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You'll learn the value of a dollar this week when drug lords put an emotionally devastating price on your head.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Disgrace will be yours when a conservationist, an animal-rights activist, and the host of a weekly get-together all label you as bad for the environment.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your belief that others are secretly conspiring against you is truly absurd. In fact, they couldn't be more open about it if they tried.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Sadly, your insatiable thirst for blood says more about the physical shape you're in than anything else.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Others can say what they want, but flogging that dead horse just seems to get funnier the more you do it.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
After a string of rejections, you'll finally find love this week on the most unlikely of street corners.
