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Past Horoscopes

March 16, 2010

Aries There truly is more than one way to skin a cat, but the limited market for cat skins makes learning more than three methods impractical.

March 9, 2010

Taurus Fear and Jealousy will soon tear you apart, which is rather unfortunate, as Fear and Jealousy are the two pitbulls that live next door.

March 2, 2010

Gemini The presence of Saturn in your sign this week indicates strength, determination, and you getting repeatedly struck by a Model SL1 Series.

February 16, 2010

Cancer Attempts to run away from the problem will fail this week when the problem turns out to be a short-circuited treadmill.

February 9, 2010

Leo Yes, love is a total mystery. Those semen stains, though, are probably a clue.

February 2, 2010

Virgo Your new pheromone-based cologne will make you irresistible to women, who will devour you, bones, hair, and all.

January 26, 2010

Libra The red-tailed hawk is known for its hooked bill, its sharp claws, and after this Thursday, its rather keen sense of revenge.

January 19, 2010

Scorpio The story of the universe has always fascinated you, but the ending will leave you with a lot of unanswered questions.

January 12, 2010

Sagittarius When it comes to race relations, you're colorblind. Also when it comes to sofas, desk chairs, and traffic lights.

See All Horoscopes

January 26, 2010 | Issue 46•04

 

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19

Due to repeated instances of nudity, and loud, often offensive outbursts of profanity, you'll soon be labeled as NSFW.

 

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20

Your scout leader will soon teach you the square knot, the clove hitch, the lark's head, and the bowline, leaving each and every one of your limbs securely tied to their respective bedposts.

 

Gemini May 21 - Jun 21

All that sugar will finally kill you this week when it falls from the top shelf and cracks the back of your head straight open.

 

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22

It will end with a big musical number, which is unfortunate, as it will also start with a big musical number, and contain a series of rather large musical numbers.

 

Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22

Alien visitors from another galaxy will soon present mankind with the secret to peace, but not before you shoot the living hell out of them.

 

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22

You'll find happiness at the end of the rainbow this week, though to be fair, it's the kind often found hanging outside of gay clubs.

 

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23

The red-tailed hawk is known for its hooked bill, its sharp claws, and after this Thursday, its rather keen sense of revenge.

 

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21

If there’s one thing you hate about yourself it’s your lack of firm decision-making skills. Either that or maybe your hair color.

 

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21

The stars predict a night's journey over water this week, so go ahead, and break out those rubber sheets once again.

 

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19

Delight will soon be yours when you celebrate Black History Month and Valentine's Day on the same night.

 

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18

You will drink from the cup of life this week, in an effort to wash down the giant Cuban sandwich of self-hate.

 

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20

Remember: Being pretty isn't easy. (Keep this in mind if through some improbable turn, you ever become pretty).

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