Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
You'll learn a lot about yourself in the days to come. Namely, what happens when a foot-wide gash is opened right beneath your spine.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
This week try wearing less make-up when you leave the house, even if it means angering the other members of KISS.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
While being a good friend means telling the truth, you'll soon realize that being a true friend means keeping your mouth shut.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
E.B. White always believed that punctuation should be used sparingly. But then, E.B. White was—let's face it—a "pompous fuck."
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
If you pledge to Cancer at the $50 membership level, not only will you be supporting quality predictions in the future, but you'll also receive this handsome Cancer tote bag.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Remember: It's all a matter of perspective. See how your crippling finances look from atop that hill.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You've never really thought of yourself as a cat-person, but the splicing, trans-binding, and DNA re-sequencing will soon change all of that.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
The rise of Jupiter in your sign can only mean one thing! Let the stars know what it is once you look it up.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Success is often difficult to define, though for you, it pretty much boils down to filling that cup with clean urine.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
When life seems grim, and all hope is but a distant memory, why not try weeping uncontrollably in the shower? After all, it works for your husband.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
The stars fucking give up—if you want another slice of blueberry pie, just go ahead and have another slice of blueberry pie.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Sure, a spoon full of sugar may make the medicine go down, but if it's suppositories you're struggling with, the spoon isn't going to help.
