Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Your Birthday Today
You will meet a tall, dark stranger this week. Unfortunately for you, he'll spend the entire time trying to set you up with his short, white friend.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Though life may seem like one big game, there will be swift and severe consequences to dumping out that barrel of monkeys.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
A surge of adrenaline can give people superhuman strength in times of emergency, but you'll refuse to admit that's how you opened the mayonnaise jar.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
By the end of the week, you will be heartbroken, confused, and alone. In other words, prepare for a very uneventful few days.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
They say you drive all the women crazy, but then again, you're Menopause, a physical and psychological condition known for such symptoms as depression, hot flashes, and unpredictable mood swings.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Getting out of bed in the morning has never been easy for you, though to be fair, the leather straps do pose a new challenge.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You'll fail to pull off the perfect murder when police investigators grow suspicious of the revolver, handsaw, and shovel you try to serve them for dinner.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your skin will soon feel like it's crawling with insects, but fear not: Spiders are actually arachnids.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
It doesn't matter who did what to whom, or who owes whom what, or even what was what, just as long as people start being specific for a fucking change.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
While giving blood is considered a selfless act, the manner and speed with which you'll do it will leave pedestrians shocked.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
They say you're immature, that you have a great deal of growing up left to do, but then, you're rubber and they're glue.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You've never been the type of person who deals well with criticism, the mere mention of which will incite you to hurl a chair across the room this week.
