Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
You will meet a tall, dark stranger this week. Unfortunately for you, he'll spend the entire time trying to set you up with his short, white friend.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Though life may seem like one big game, there will be swift and severe consequences to dumping out that barrel of monkeys.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
A surge of adrenaline can give people superhuman strength in times of emergency, but you'll refuse to admit that's how you opened the mayonnaise jar.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
By the end of the week, you will be heartbroken, confused, and alone. In other words, prepare for a very uneventful few days.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
They say you drive all the women crazy, but then again, you're Menopause, a physical and psychological condition known for such symptoms as depression, hot flashes, and unpredictable mood swings.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Getting out of bed in the morning has never been easy for you, though to be fair, the leather straps do pose a new challenge.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You'll fail to pull off the perfect murder when police investigators grow suspicious of the revolver, handsaw, and shovel you try to serve them for dinner.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your skin will soon feel like it's crawling with insects, but fear not: Spiders are actually arachnids.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
It doesn't matter who did what to whom, or who owes whom what, or even what was what, just as long as people start being specific for a fucking change.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
While giving blood is considered a selfless act, the manner and speed with which you'll do it will leave pedestrians shocked.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
They say you're immature, that you have a great deal of growing up left to do, but then, you're rubber and they're glue.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You've never been the type of person who deals well with criticism, the mere mention of which will incite you to hurl a chair across the room this week.
