Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Your Birthday Today
Distance will afford you fresh perspective this Thursday when the lower half of your body lands an entire city block away from the upper half.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your wildest dreams will come true this week, only further proving that you deserved the chartered accountancy promotion.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Spurred on by feelings of pressure and pain, you'll follow your heart about two-thirds of the way to the living room phone this week.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
A series of mob-related events will soon have dockworkers around the world referring to you as a barrel of laughs.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Your entire life will flash before your eyes this week, an insignificant blip made all the more trivial by the Benny Hill theme that will accompany it.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Fighting back the tears and suppressing wave after wave of indignation, you'll take next Tuesday's hysterectomy operation like a man.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
While you've always claimed to work better under strict deadlines, hundreds of radiation victims will soon have reason to disagree.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You'll soon stumble upon the secret to a happy marriage—a secret so simple you'll take perverse pleasure in keeping it from your wife.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Just when you think you can't keep going any longer, you'll be forced to continue due to a series of everyday responsibilities and obligations.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
An agonizing and seemingly endless disemboweling will soon show you exactly what you're made of.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Sometimes in life one must take the good with the bad, even if it means pretending to be attracted to her mother.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
They say that you're not the man you used to be, that you've got nothing left inside of you worth saving. However, it's the fact that they're licensed surgeons that really makes it sting.
