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Past Horoscopes

March 16, 2010

Aries There truly is more than one way to skin a cat, but the limited market for cat skins makes learning more than three methods impractical.

March 9, 2010

Taurus Fear and Jealousy will soon tear you apart, which is rather unfortunate, as Fear and Jealousy are the two pitbulls that live next door.

March 2, 2010

Gemini The presence of Saturn in your sign this week indicates strength, determination, and you getting repeatedly struck by a Model SL1 Series.

February 16, 2010

Cancer Attempts to run away from the problem will fail this week when the problem turns out to be a short-circuited treadmill.

February 9, 2010

Leo Yes, love is a total mystery. Those semen stains, though, are probably a clue.

February 2, 2010

Virgo Your new pheromone-based cologne will make you irresistible to women, who will devour you, bones, hair, and all.

January 26, 2010

Libra The red-tailed hawk is known for its hooked bill, its sharp claws, and after this Thursday, its rather keen sense of revenge.

January 19, 2010

Scorpio The story of the universe has always fascinated you, but the ending will leave you with a lot of unanswered questions.

January 12, 2010

Sagittarius When it comes to race relations, you're colorblind. Also when it comes to sofas, desk chairs, and traffic lights.

See All Horoscopes

July 7, 2009 | Issue 45•28

 

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19

You're finally entering the period of life in which the things that you want to do greatly outnumber the things that you will eventually do.

 

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20

The way to respond to a stupid question is to pretend not to hear it, which is why your friends all seem to have hearing problems.

 

Gemini May 21 - Jun 21

An elite squad of international assassins will target you in an effort to make sure that the secrets behind your famous chili stay secret.

 

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22

Everyone has one of those uncles who knows how to use a rifle, add a deck to the house, and catch a trout—everyone, that is, except for your nephew.

 

Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22

After everyone has spoken, there will be an awkward, 90-second silence, at which point people will agree that you've been eulogized enough.

 

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22

The debate on whether we have a shame- or a guilt-based society is complicated when, due to some odd circumstances, you kill a man by shitting your pants.

 

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23

Once again, you'll be surprised by how many of your troubles can be traced back to that smelly old couch.

 

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21

Though it's noble that you became an accounts adjuster to make the world a better place, it remains unclear exactly how that's going to happen.

 

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21

Keep in mind that it's important to set goals so you feel appropriately pathetic when you fail to achieve them.

 

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19

Heartbreak is in the stars for you this week when the woman of your dreams confesses she cannot love a man with such an unholy appetite for pie.

 

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18

You've had your picture in the paper before, but never in connection with a catastrophic bridge collapse.

 

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20

Remember, it's not how hard you beat the goat, but whether the goat you're beating is on fire.

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