Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You're finally entering the period of life in which the things that you want to do greatly outnumber the things that you will eventually do.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The way to respond to a stupid question is to pretend not to hear it, which is why your friends all seem to have hearing problems.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
An elite squad of international assassins will target you in an effort to make sure that the secrets behind your famous chili stay secret.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Everyone has one of those uncles who knows how to use a rifle, add a deck to the house, and catch a trout—everyone, that is, except for your nephew.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
After everyone has spoken, there will be an awkward, 90-second silence, at which point people will agree that you've been eulogized enough.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
The debate on whether we have a shame- or a guilt-based society is complicated when, due to some odd circumstances, you kill a man by shitting your pants.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Once again, you'll be surprised by how many of your troubles can be traced back to that smelly old couch.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Though it's noble that you became an accounts adjuster to make the world a better place, it remains unclear exactly how that's going to happen.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Keep in mind that it's important to set goals so you feel appropriately pathetic when you fail to achieve them.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Heartbreak is in the stars for you this week when the woman of your dreams confesses she cannot love a man with such an unholy appetite for pie.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You've had your picture in the paper before, but never in connection with a catastrophic bridge collapse.
