Your Horoscope
Your Birthday Today
A combination of hubris, treachery, and everyday low prices will soon mark the end of your reign as Mattress King.
Aries March 21 - April 19
There's nothing quite like the love of a real woman. Then again, if the plaster sets properly and the paint dries evenly, you'll have the next best thing.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
The answer you've been searching for lies right in front of your face, though it's difficult to make out with all that cheesecake in the way.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You didn't get into plumbing for the fame, the fortune, or the women. But one severely backed-up toilet will soon change all of that.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Turns out beauty marks are smaller than a grapefruit in size, are generally symmetrical in shape, and don't grow at the base of one's brain.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You'll fail to find happiness at the bottom of a bottle this week, but by that point you'll be too drunk to really care.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
All of your sins will come back to haunt you— especially those involving boomerangs, tether-balls, and vengeful homing pigeons.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Your financial situation takes a turn for the worse this week when that damn quarter slips loose and falls behind a sofa cushion.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Sometimes the truth can be difficult to hear. Thankfully, a battery-operated megaphone will make your past failures crystal clear.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Yelling "shark" and running around in a panic will only get you hurt, especially if you keep doing it at shady pool halls.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Your attempt to vandalize a series of 16th-century paintings will fail this week, since most already feature handlebar mustaches, wispy goatees, and racial epithets aimed at the Jews.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
No amount of rope can hold you back. Unless, of course, it's suspended from the ceiling of a middle-school gym.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
After everything is said and done, you'll continue to prattle on like a fucking idiot.
Past Horoscopes
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Aries Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Taurus Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Gemini If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Cancer Your lucky numbers for this week are: 812, √3/14, 0.0000085, and π.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Leo Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Virgo The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Libra Remember: When people say that children are our future, they're talking about much healthier infants than yours.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Scorpio Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Sagittarius Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, though unfortunately for you, not at the same time.