Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
A combination of hubris, treachery, and everyday low prices will soon mark the end of your reign as Mattress King.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
There's nothing quite like the love of a real woman. Then again, if the plaster sets properly and the paint dries evenly, you'll have the next best thing.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The answer you've been searching for lies right in front of your face, though it's difficult to make out with all that cheesecake in the way.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You didn't get into plumbing for the fame, the fortune, or the women. But one severely backed-up toilet will soon change all of that.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Turns out beauty marks are smaller than a grapefruit in size, are generally symmetrical in shape, and don't grow at the base of one's brain.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You'll fail to find happiness at the bottom of a bottle this week, but by that point you'll be too drunk to really care.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
All of your sins will come back to haunt you— especially those involving boomerangs, tether-balls, and vengeful homing pigeons.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your financial situation takes a turn for the worse this week when that damn quarter slips loose and falls behind a sofa cushion.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Sometimes the truth can be difficult to hear. Thankfully, a battery-operated megaphone will make your past failures crystal clear.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Yelling "shark" and running around in a panic will only get you hurt, especially if you keep doing it at shady pool halls.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Your attempt to vandalize a series of 16th-century paintings will fail this week, since most already feature handlebar mustaches, wispy goatees, and racial epithets aimed at the Jews.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
No amount of rope can hold you back. Unless, of course, it's suspended from the ceiling of a middle-school gym.
