Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Your Birthday Today
A combination of hubris, treachery, and everyday low prices will soon mark the end of your reign as Mattress King.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
There's nothing quite like the love of a real woman. Then again, if the plaster sets properly and the paint dries evenly, you'll have the next best thing.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The answer you've been searching for lies right in front of your face, though it's difficult to make out with all that cheesecake in the way.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You didn't get into plumbing for the fame, the fortune, or the women. But one severely backed-up toilet will soon change all of that.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Turns out beauty marks are smaller than a grapefruit in size, are generally symmetrical in shape, and don't grow at the base of one's brain.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You'll fail to find happiness at the bottom of a bottle this week, but by that point you'll be too drunk to really care.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
All of your sins will come back to haunt you— especially those involving boomerangs, tether-balls, and vengeful homing pigeons.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your financial situation takes a turn for the worse this week when that damn quarter slips loose and falls behind a sofa cushion.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Sometimes the truth can be difficult to hear. Thankfully, a battery-operated megaphone will make your past failures crystal clear.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Yelling "shark" and running around in a panic will only get you hurt, especially if you keep doing it at shady pool halls.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Your attempt to vandalize a series of 16th-century paintings will fail this week, since most already feature handlebar mustaches, wispy goatees, and racial epithets aimed at the Jews.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
No amount of rope can hold you back. Unless, of course, it's suspended from the ceiling of a middle-school gym.
