At the AV Club: Film and TV-induced food cravings

Horoscopes

Article Tools

Past Horoscopes

March 9, 2010

Aries You will give birth to a beautiful, bouncing baby girl this week, moments after going into labor inside that giant inflatable castle.

March 2, 2010

Taurus Remember: God means something different to everyone, but only you, and those who agree with you, are right.

February 16, 2010

Gemini Your firstborn child will have your eyes, thanks to delivery complications and the organ-donor sticker on your driver's license.

February 9, 2010

Cancer The doctors will soon treat you for an acute case of tuberculosis, but don't be alarmed: They're mostly just bored.

February 2, 2010

Leo The stars don't think it would be fair to give you a new prediction until the one about finding happiness, love, or wealth comes true.

January 26, 2010

Virgo You'll find happiness at the end of the rainbow this week, though to be fair, it's the kind often found hanging outside of gay clubs.

January 19, 2010

Libra Next time, when passing a note intended to find out if someone likes you, you'll know to provide more than one box to check.

January 12, 2010

Scorpio Long, gray beards have for centuries been linked to wisdom and shrewdness. Sadly, you get yours caught in the fax machine far too often for that to be the case.

January 5, 2010

Sagittarius Nothing will be what it seems this week, especially breakfast sausages.

See All Horoscopes

July 14, 2009 | Issue 45•29

 

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19

You're beginning to wonder exactly who is in charge of quality control for all those treasure maps.

 

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20

An otherwise enjoyable week is shot to hell when you have several phone conversations with people from L.A.

 

Gemini May 21 - Jun 21

You've never been one to take offense at accusations of arrogance, especially since they're all bullshit anyway.

 

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22

It's impossible for you to get more tail than a dogcatcher—partially because of your poor hygiene, but mainly because you're a dogcatcher.

 

Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22

You will abandon your search for the wisdom of the East when it turns out to be devoid of cool kung-fu moves.

 

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22

Good things will happen when you least expect them, greatly embarrassing you while you're trying to enjoy a shit in peace.

 

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23

Having a girl pop out of the birthday cake was a fine idea, but you really should have given more thought as to when to cut the cake.

 

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21

Next week will feature family scandal, almost a dozen murders, a drowned girlfriend, and lots of manic depression, yet it's not in any way based on Hamlet.

 

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21

You will suffer dire consequences after toying with powerful forces you do not understand—namely gravity.

 

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19

Everything you touch will soon turn to gold, giving the cops a glittering, sparkling trail of 9-year-olds to follow.

 

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18

Your defense lawyer is one of the best, but he will have a hard time blaming those 11 murders on the bossa nova, the dance of love.

 

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20

You are in grave danger of losing whatever credibility you had as a psychiatrist, which is strange, as you've been in floor coverings for 17 years.

Meet Other Onion Readers

more personals »