Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
No matter how much time may pass or how many years may go by, you'll always be 12-years-old emotionally.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You're not the type of person who gives up easily, forcing SWAT team officers to burst in through the skylight and aim for the head.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The stars, in their infinite wisdom, indicate that your entire future can be summed up in pretty much 20 words.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Paramedics will find you lying unconscious in the middle of the street, but not before putting the ambulance in reverse and running over you for a second time.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
The secret to happiness will finally be yours this week, instantly making you miserable for not guessing it sooner.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Scientists will discover a new substance more dense than uranium and plutonium combined, at which point you'll kindly ask that they leave your home.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You'll finally catch the great white whale this week, only to realize the damned thing is just a metaphor.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
When offered a raise at work this week, smile politely, thank them kindly, and back out of the room with the dynamite still strapped to your chest.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your name, photo, and date of birth will soon figure prominently in your city's fight against teenage pregnancy.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You're a one-of-a-kind being, unique in the Universe and the most beloved in all Creation. Now then, can Capricorn borrow 10 bucks?
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Events following your gory beheading will prove that Broadway can make a musical out of anything.
