Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Your Birthday Today
No matter how much time may pass or how many years may go by, you'll always be 12-years-old emotionally.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You're not the type of person who gives up easily, forcing SWAT team officers to burst in through the skylight and aim for the head.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The stars, in their infinite wisdom, indicate that your entire future can be summed up in pretty much 20 words.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Paramedics will find you lying unconscious in the middle of the street, but not before putting the ambulance in reverse and running over you for a second time.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
The secret to happiness will finally be yours this week, instantly making you miserable for not guessing it sooner.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Scientists will discover a new substance more dense than uranium and plutonium combined, at which point you'll kindly ask that they leave your home.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You'll finally catch the great white whale this week, only to realize the damned thing is just a metaphor.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
When offered a raise at work this week, smile politely, thank them kindly, and back out of the room with the dynamite still strapped to your chest.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your name, photo, and date of birth will soon figure prominently in your city's fight against teenage pregnancy.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You're a one-of-a-kind being, unique in the Universe and the most beloved in all Creation. Now then, can Capricorn borrow 10 bucks?
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Events following your gory beheading will prove that Broadway can make a musical out of anything.
