Your Horoscope
Your Birthday Today
No matter how much time may pass or how many years may go by, you'll always be 12-years-old emotionally.
Aries March 21 - April 19
You're not the type of person who gives up easily, forcing SWAT team officers to burst in through the skylight and aim for the head.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
The stars, in their infinite wisdom, indicate that your entire future can be summed up in pretty much 20 words.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Paramedics will find you lying unconscious in the middle of the street, but not before putting the ambulance in reverse and running over you for a second time.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
The secret to happiness will finally be yours this week, instantly making you miserable for not guessing it sooner.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Scientists will discover a new substance more dense than uranium and plutonium combined, at which point you'll kindly ask that they leave your home.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You'll finally catch the great white whale this week, only to realize the damned thing is just a metaphor.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
When offered a raise at work this week, smile politely, thank them kindly, and back out of the room with the dynamite still strapped to your chest.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Your name, photo, and date of birth will soon figure prominently in your city's fight against teenage pregnancy.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You're a one-of-a-kind being, unique in the Universe and the most beloved in all Creation. Now then, can Capricorn borrow 10 bucks?
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Events following your gory beheading will prove that Broadway can make a musical out of anything.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
It may just be a game to you, some silly and carefree diversion, but come on now—people are trying to play Parcheesi here.
Past Horoscopes
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Aries Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Taurus Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Gemini If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Cancer Your lucky numbers for this week are: 812, √3/14, 0.0000085, and π.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Leo Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Virgo The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Libra Remember: When people say that children are our future, they're talking about much healthier infants than yours.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Scorpio Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Sagittarius Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, though unfortunately for you, not at the same time.