Past Horoscopes
June 26, 2009
Aries Avoid confrontation at work today. Sneak up behind your boss and slowly strangle him to death.
June 16, 2009
Taurus The stars find that the time has come for you to put away childish things. Yes, that includes your three small children.
June 9, 2009
Gemini You're the kind of person who likes to have the right tool for the job, so don't be caught without a complete set of dental picks this week.
June 2, 2009
Cancer Cancer represents the descent of the self into the collective ocean of spirit and thought. Also, Cancer represents whatever other bullshit you're willing to believe this week.
May 26, 2009
Leo Remember: No matter how bad things get, or how hopeless life may seem, you can always go home again and take it out on your family.
May 19, 2009
Virgo Take solace in this: There is a meaning and purpose to the universe, even if it's far too complicated for you to understand, and won't pay off for years.
May 12, 2009
Libra Get ready to kiss your niece, your nephew, and all of your godchildren goodbye. Though, this time, try not to slip them the tongue while you do it.
May 5, 2009
Scorpio You'll kick back this week with a little bit of Grandpa's cough medicine, which is too bad, as Grandpa was a radiation oncologist.
May 1, 2009
Sagittarius Your decision to take up bicycling will cause many in your area to rethink their call for increased bicycle safety.
Your Birthday Today
It's finally time for you to move on and put childish things behind you, at least according to a new privately funded study on breast-feeding.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
As your fame grows, you'll soon have to account for your failure to take a stand during the long-running pirates vs. ninjas debate.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You've never given much thought to prosthetics before, but by the end of the week you'll be an expert on all the leading brands and be ready to make your first of several big purchases.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Although you're well aware that common turpentine will remove most of the old finish on that heirloom bookcase, you can't stop yourself from drinking can after can of the delicious stuff.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Don't let your disdain for cliché stop you from taking heed this week when, in a world where right and wrong seem to have lost all meaning, a prostitute with a heart of gold points behind you and yells, "Look out!"
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
While nothing in this world is more precious than the love of a child, the stars urge you to remember that commodities retain their value much more consistently in the long run.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Thanks to your foresight in buying a hybrid, you'll be the first person in your state to not only be cut by glass and burned by gasoline, but also be electrocuted, when your car is hit by a bus.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Throwing your panties at Tom Jones isn't that unusual, but most people do it during concerts.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You'll decide to stop working for positive change in the world after you realize the media is reporting all of your efforts in the "News of the Weird" section.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
All you wanted from life was to have close friends, a loving husband, and a little place of your own, but it seems the raccoons have other plans.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You thought you'd found a way that to show your pain while inspiring sympathy from everyone, but you forgot about the guy who has to hose you off the sidewalk.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
While it's true Ernest Hemingway had some worthwhile things to say about grace under pressure, keep in mind that he also liked to get drunk and take his fishing boat out hunting for submarines.
