Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
It's finally time for you to move on and put childish things behind you, at least according to a new privately funded study on breast-feeding.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
As your fame grows, you'll soon have to account for your failure to take a stand during the long-running pirates vs. ninjas debate.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You've never given much thought to prosthetics before, but by the end of the week you'll be an expert on all the leading brands and be ready to make your first of several big purchases.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Although you're well aware that common turpentine will remove most of the old finish on that heirloom bookcase, you can't stop yourself from drinking can after can of the delicious stuff.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Don't let your disdain for cliché stop you from taking heed this week when, in a world where right and wrong seem to have lost all meaning, a prostitute with a heart of gold points behind you and yells, "Look out!"
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
While nothing in this world is more precious than the love of a child, the stars urge you to remember that commodities retain their value much more consistently in the long run.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Thanks to your foresight in buying a hybrid, you'll be the first person in your state to not only be cut by glass and burned by gasoline, but also be electrocuted, when your car is hit by a bus.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Throwing your panties at Tom Jones isn't that unusual, but most people do it during concerts.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You'll decide to stop working for positive change in the world after you realize the media is reporting all of your efforts in the "News of the Weird" section.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
All you wanted from life was to have close friends, a loving husband, and a little place of your own, but it seems the raccoons have other plans.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You thought you'd found a way that to show your pain while inspiring sympathy from everyone, but you forgot about the guy who has to hose you off the sidewalk.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
While it's true Ernest Hemingway had some worthwhile things to say about grace under pressure, keep in mind that he also liked to get drunk and take his fishing boat out hunting for submarines.
