Past Horoscopes
June 26, 2009
Aries Avoid confrontation at work today. Sneak up behind your boss and slowly strangle him to death.
June 16, 2009
Taurus The stars find that the time has come for you to put away childish things. Yes, that includes your three small children.
June 9, 2009
Gemini You're the kind of person who likes to have the right tool for the job, so don't be caught without a complete set of dental picks this week.
June 2, 2009
Cancer Cancer represents the descent of the self into the collective ocean of spirit and thought. Also, Cancer represents whatever other bullshit you're willing to believe this week.
May 26, 2009
Leo Remember: No matter how bad things get, or how hopeless life may seem, you can always go home again and take it out on your family.
May 19, 2009
Virgo Take solace in this: There is a meaning and purpose to the universe, even if it's far too complicated for you to understand, and won't pay off for years.
May 12, 2009
Libra Get ready to kiss your niece, your nephew, and all of your godchildren goodbye. Though, this time, try not to slip them the tongue while you do it.
May 5, 2009
Scorpio You'll kick back this week with a little bit of Grandpa's cough medicine, which is too bad, as Grandpa was a radiation oncologist.
May 1, 2009
Sagittarius Your decision to take up bicycling will cause many in your area to rethink their call for increased bicycle safety.
Your Birthday Today
You'll have your very own line of cologne just as soon as scientists find a way to bottle the stench of defeat.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
They say that someone with half a brain could do your job, which is good news considering next week's debilitating stroke.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
God may have a divine plan for you, but after the coal mine disaster and the tour bus fire, you're beginning to suspect He's just making it up along the way.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You'll be reduced to a fraction of your former self this week when both your numerator and denominator are divided by 12.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Prom can be the most memorable night in a young girl's life. However, if the barbiturates do their job, she should still have trouble identifying you the next morning.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You've never been the athletic type, so it's a bit of a surprise when you're suddenly struck with a dozen errant javelins.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You're about to undergo a deeply religious experience. Unfortunately for you, it's the kind that involves being alienated, persecuted, and finally crucified.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
The stars indicate that this is a good week to jump around as if on fire, seduce a species of rare crayfish, and find a new astrologist.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You and your partner will once again argue over money in bed, but then that's what you get for not agreeing to a price beforehand.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
There's no worse fate than dying alone. Thankfully, you'll be surrounded by hundreds of airline passengers when it happens.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You'll scream until you're blue in the face this week, which only makes sense, as you're screaming for the national independence of greater Scotland.
