Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
You'll have your very own line of cologne just as soon as scientists find a way to bottle the stench of defeat.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
They say that someone with half a brain could do your job, which is good news considering next week's debilitating stroke.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
God may have a divine plan for you, but after the coal mine disaster and the tour bus fire, you're beginning to suspect He's just making it up along the way.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You'll be reduced to a fraction of your former self this week when both your numerator and denominator are divided by 12.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Prom can be the most memorable night in a young girl's life. However, if the barbiturates do their job, she should still have trouble identifying you the next morning.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You've never been the athletic type, so it's a bit of a surprise when you're suddenly struck with a dozen errant javelins.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You're about to undergo a deeply religious experience. Unfortunately for you, it's the kind that involves being alienated, persecuted, and finally crucified.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
The stars indicate that this is a good week to jump around as if on fire, seduce a species of rare crayfish, and find a new astrologist.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You and your partner will once again argue over money in bed, but then that's what you get for not agreeing to a price beforehand.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
There's no worse fate than dying alone. Thankfully, you'll be surrounded by hundreds of airline passengers when it happens.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You'll scream until you're blue in the face this week, which only makes sense, as you're screaming for the national independence of greater Scotland.
