Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Your Birthday Today
You'll have your very own line of cologne just as soon as scientists find a way to bottle the stench of defeat.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
They say that someone with half a brain could do your job, which is good news considering next week's debilitating stroke.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
God may have a divine plan for you, but after the coal mine disaster and the tour bus fire, you're beginning to suspect He's just making it up along the way.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You'll be reduced to a fraction of your former self this week when both your numerator and denominator are divided by 12.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Prom can be the most memorable night in a young girl's life. However, if the barbiturates do their job, she should still have trouble identifying you the next morning.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You've never been the athletic type, so it's a bit of a surprise when you're suddenly struck with a dozen errant javelins.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You're about to undergo a deeply religious experience. Unfortunately for you, it's the kind that involves being alienated, persecuted, and finally crucified.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
The stars indicate that this is a good week to jump around as if on fire, seduce a species of rare crayfish, and find a new astrologist.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You and your partner will once again argue over money in bed, but then that's what you get for not agreeing to a price beforehand.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
There's no worse fate than dying alone. Thankfully, you'll be surrounded by hundreds of airline passengers when it happens.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You'll scream until you're blue in the face this week, which only makes sense, as you're screaming for the national independence of greater Scotland.
