Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
A golden egg of opportunity falls into your lap this week, at long last allowing for the purchase of a new pair of pants.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Nature, time, and patience are the three great physicians. Still, it might be time to consult Dr. Feldman about the grapefruit-sized growth hanging from the side of your throat.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You will finally know the sound of one hand clapping this week after your wife leaves you, your loneliness swells, and your cable package acquires a third Cinemax channel.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You will be brought to your very knees this Friday, crying out for mercy and offering unconditional surrender, only moments after consuming the great General Tso.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
The empty box holds an almost infinite number of treasures. Regrettably, your miserable family relations did not even think to get you one of those for your birthday.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Your future is filled with polluted thoughts and impermissable actions against the Powerful Chinese State. The correct government authorities have already been contacted.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
While the praying mantis hunts the cricket, it is unaware of the sparrow that lies in wait. Also, it is unaware that the sparrow found cheap cricket lipstick all over one of its dress shirts last week.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
A wise man once said, "树倒猢狲散." Such advice will feel especially apt this coming Saturday.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Renewed popularity will be yours this week when it is determined that your cartilage can help to make the phallus hard and strong like a pillar of granite.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
The celestial river of stars, infinite in its sage counsel and inspiring insight, indicates that this is a good week for work in the workplace.
