Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
You've often said that you'd trade everything in your life for another chance at happiness. Sadly, few have expressed interest in your complete collection of Doctor Who figurines thus far.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Although you believe that everyone is entitled to his own opinion, sometimes you wish that doctors would keep what they think to themselves.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Remember: Whoever said that "money isn't everything" was probably being paid to write proverbs for a living.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Avoid making any important decisions this week, as the tumor lodged inside your brain will make it difficult for you to think clearly.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
A rampaging mob of torch-wielding villagers will gather at your door this week after learning what a monster you are on the inside.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Passion will enter your life this week, stop momentarily to regain its bearings, curse two to three times underneath its breath, and slowly inch its way back out the door.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Second-guessing yourself this week will only lead to more problems. Or will it? Yeah, it probably will.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
They say that time heals all wounds. Try to keep that in mind as you lie clutching your midsection in that abandoned warehouse this week.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
While it's impossible to imagine what life would be like without your children, you'd love to have an hour to yourself in order to try.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Love is in the air this week...or wait, no—that's a pigeon. Sorry, the stars always seem to get those two things confused.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
While you've often wondered what it'd be like to attend your own funeral, claw marks on the inside of your coffin will soon reveal it to be a rather terrifying experience.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You'll try to obey orders by murdering a bus full of schoolchildren this week, only to realize that the dog just wanted to be taken out for a walk.
