Past Horoscopes
June 26, 2009
Aries Avoid confrontation at work today. Sneak up behind your boss and slowly strangle him to death.
June 16, 2009
Taurus The stars find that the time has come for you to put away childish things. Yes, that includes your three small children.
June 9, 2009
Gemini You're the kind of person who likes to have the right tool for the job, so don't be caught without a complete set of dental picks this week.
June 2, 2009
Cancer Cancer represents the descent of the self into the collective ocean of spirit and thought. Also, Cancer represents whatever other bullshit you're willing to believe this week.
May 26, 2009
Leo Remember: No matter how bad things get, or how hopeless life may seem, you can always go home again and take it out on your family.
May 19, 2009
Virgo Take solace in this: There is a meaning and purpose to the universe, even if it's far too complicated for you to understand, and won't pay off for years.
May 12, 2009
Libra Get ready to kiss your niece, your nephew, and all of your godchildren goodbye. Though, this time, try not to slip them the tongue while you do it.
May 5, 2009
Scorpio You'll kick back this week with a little bit of Grandpa's cough medicine, which is too bad, as Grandpa was a radiation oncologist.
May 1, 2009
Sagittarius Your decision to take up bicycling will cause many in your area to rethink their call for increased bicycle safety.
Your Birthday Today
You've often said that you'd trade everything in your life for another chance at happiness. Sadly, few have expressed interest in your complete collection of Doctor Who figurines thus far.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Although you believe that everyone is entitled to his own opinion, sometimes you wish that doctors would keep what they think to themselves.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Remember: Whoever said that "money isn't everything" was probably being paid to write proverbs for a living.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Avoid making any important decisions this week, as the tumor lodged inside your brain will make it difficult for you to think clearly.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
A rampaging mob of torch-wielding villagers will gather at your door this week after learning what a monster you are on the inside.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Passion will enter your life this week, stop momentarily to regain its bearings, curse two to three times underneath its breath, and slowly inch its way back out the door.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Second-guessing yourself this week will only lead to more problems. Or will it? Yeah, it probably will.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
They say that time heals all wounds. Try to keep that in mind as you lie clutching your midsection in that abandoned warehouse this week.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
While it's impossible to imagine what life would be like without your children, you'd love to have an hour to yourself in order to try.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Love is in the air this week...or wait, no—that's a pigeon. Sorry, the stars always seem to get those two things confused.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
While you've often wondered what it'd be like to attend your own funeral, claw marks on the inside of your coffin will soon reveal it to be a rather terrifying experience.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You'll try to obey orders by murdering a bus full of schoolchildren this week, only to realize that the dog just wanted to be taken out for a walk.
