Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Your Birthday Today
You've often said that you'd trade everything in your life for another chance at happiness. Sadly, few have expressed interest in your complete collection of Doctor Who figurines thus far.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Although you believe that everyone is entitled to his own opinion, sometimes you wish that doctors would keep what they think to themselves.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Remember: Whoever said that "money isn't everything" was probably being paid to write proverbs for a living.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Avoid making any important decisions this week, as the tumor lodged inside your brain will make it difficult for you to think clearly.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
A rampaging mob of torch-wielding villagers will gather at your door this week after learning what a monster you are on the inside.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Passion will enter your life this week, stop momentarily to regain its bearings, curse two to three times underneath its breath, and slowly inch its way back out the door.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Second-guessing yourself this week will only lead to more problems. Or will it? Yeah, it probably will.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
They say that time heals all wounds. Try to keep that in mind as you lie clutching your midsection in that abandoned warehouse this week.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
While it's impossible to imagine what life would be like without your children, you'd love to have an hour to yourself in order to try.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Love is in the air this week...or wait, no—that's a pigeon. Sorry, the stars always seem to get those two things confused.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
While you've often wondered what it'd be like to attend your own funeral, claw marks on the inside of your coffin will soon reveal it to be a rather terrifying experience.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You'll try to obey orders by murdering a bus full of schoolchildren this week, only to realize that the dog just wanted to be taken out for a walk.
