Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
It's human nature to fear the unknown. Then again, you'd probably be twice as scared if you knew what that lump actually was.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You'll feel like a million bucks this week when security guards escort you across town, unload you from the back of an armored truck, and lock you deep inside a bank vault.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Life as you know it will cease to exist, which, considering how you spend your time, can only be a good thing.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You'll work your special brand of magic on a group of attractive women, instantly boring them with a series of card tricks and linking rings.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
The rise of Uranus in your sign indicates great loss and misfortune, but you'll be too busy giggling to yourself to really notice.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Like Dr. Doolittle, you've always been able to talk to the animals. Unfortunately, this has more to do with your crippling loneliness than any special talent or gift.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You'll be green with envy this week, before becoming red with anger, blue with sorrow, and finally purple with complete lack of oxygen.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Shame will be yours this week when you discover that not only were you conceived in the back of your parent's Buick, but that it was filled with a dozen test tubes at the time.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Avoiding personal questions may be one thing, but throwing down a series of smoke bombs and escaping in the ensuing chaos is just plain rude.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
By the end of the week, you'll have only one arm, three toes, and four teeth left with which to learn from your mistakes.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Little boys and girls will continue to ask you where babies come from, baffling everyone with how they're getting into your apartment.
