Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Your Birthday Today
It's human nature to fear the unknown. Then again, you'd probably be twice as scared if you knew what that lump actually was.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You'll feel like a million bucks this week when security guards escort you across town, unload you from the back of an armored truck, and lock you deep inside a bank vault.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Life as you know it will cease to exist, which, considering how you spend your time, can only be a good thing.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You'll work your special brand of magic on a group of attractive women, instantly boring them with a series of card tricks and linking rings.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
The rise of Uranus in your sign indicates great loss and misfortune, but you'll be too busy giggling to yourself to really notice.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Like Dr. Doolittle, you've always been able to talk to the animals. Unfortunately, this has more to do with your crippling loneliness than any special talent or gift.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You'll be green with envy this week, before becoming red with anger, blue with sorrow, and finally purple with complete lack of oxygen.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Shame will be yours this week when you discover that not only were you conceived in the back of your parent's Buick, but that it was filled with a dozen test tubes at the time.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Avoiding personal questions may be one thing, but throwing down a series of smoke bombs and escaping in the ensuing chaos is just plain rude.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
By the end of the week, you'll have only one arm, three toes, and four teeth left with which to learn from your mistakes.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Little boys and girls will continue to ask you where babies come from, baffling everyone with how they're getting into your apartment.
