Past Horoscopes
June 26, 2009
Aries Avoid confrontation at work today. Sneak up behind your boss and slowly strangle him to death.
June 16, 2009
Taurus The stars find that the time has come for you to put away childish things. Yes, that includes your three small children.
June 9, 2009
Gemini You're the kind of person who likes to have the right tool for the job, so don't be caught without a complete set of dental picks this week.
June 2, 2009
Cancer Cancer represents the descent of the self into the collective ocean of spirit and thought. Also, Cancer represents whatever other bullshit you're willing to believe this week.
May 26, 2009
Leo Remember: No matter how bad things get, or how hopeless life may seem, you can always go home again and take it out on your family.
May 19, 2009
Virgo Take solace in this: There is a meaning and purpose to the universe, even if it's far too complicated for you to understand, and won't pay off for years.
May 12, 2009
Libra Get ready to kiss your niece, your nephew, and all of your godchildren goodbye. Though, this time, try not to slip them the tongue while you do it.
May 5, 2009
Scorpio You'll kick back this week with a little bit of Grandpa's cough medicine, which is too bad, as Grandpa was a radiation oncologist.
May 1, 2009
Sagittarius Your decision to take up bicycling will cause many in your area to rethink their call for increased bicycle safety.
Your Birthday Today
Long gray beards have for centuries been linked to wisdom and shrewdness. Sadly, you get yours caught in the fax machine far too often for this to actually be the case.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Difficulty telling right from wrong will lead to indulgent behavior this week, which will lead to difficulty telling right from left.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Perhaps it's your fault for having expected too much of fame, but as the holder of the Guinness World Record for shortest living man, you thought you'd at least be up to your neck in pussy.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You've never been the sort to pat yourself on the back, but that was before you had a piece of steak lodged in your windpipe.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
It's true that your talents and interests make you unique; however, some of the credit should go to your mother for ingesting the thalidomide.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Your belief that humanity is growing too dependent on machines will finally be put to rest next week, when after three days of careful deliberation, family members decide to take you off the respirator.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Misguided by the success of Orson Welles' groundbreaking, all-black production of Macbeth, you will be humiliated this week after the scathing reviews of your all-black production of Othello come in.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You'll cry yourself to sleep yet again tonight, much to the envy of insomniacs across the country.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
A séance organized this week in an effort to bring comfort to a grieving friend will end in tragedy when the spirit of her deceased husband fails to understand why you two are holding hands.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You will feel let down by the historical inaccuracies at a nearby medieval-themed restaurant until you pay a visit to its bathroom.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Regular bouts of morning sickness will continue unabated next week, a surprising occurrence considering the abortion.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Your longtime wish for a better poker face will finally be granted this week; unfortunately, you'll lack the mental capacity required to play poker after the stroke.
