Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
Long gray beards have for centuries been linked to wisdom and shrewdness. Sadly, you get yours caught in the fax machine far too often for this to actually be the case.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Difficulty telling right from wrong will lead to indulgent behavior this week, which will lead to difficulty telling right from left.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Perhaps it's your fault for having expected too much of fame, but as the holder of the Guinness World Record for shortest living man, you thought you'd at least be up to your neck in pussy.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You've never been the sort to pat yourself on the back, but that was before you had a piece of steak lodged in your windpipe.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
It's true that your talents and interests make you unique; however, some of the credit should go to your mother for ingesting the thalidomide.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Your belief that humanity is growing too dependent on machines will finally be put to rest next week, when after three days of careful deliberation, family members decide to take you off the respirator.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Misguided by the success of Orson Welles' groundbreaking, all-black production of Macbeth, you will be humiliated this week after the scathing reviews of your all-black production of Othello come in.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You'll cry yourself to sleep yet again tonight, much to the envy of insomniacs across the country.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
A séance organized this week in an effort to bring comfort to a grieving friend will end in tragedy when the spirit of her deceased husband fails to understand why you two are holding hands.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You will feel let down by the historical inaccuracies at a nearby medieval-themed restaurant until you pay a visit to its bathroom.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Regular bouts of morning sickness will continue unabated next week, a surprising occurrence considering the abortion.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Your longtime wish for a better poker face will finally be granted this week; unfortunately, you'll lack the mental capacity required to play poker after the stroke.
