Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
A pair of magical elves will soon appear and lend a helpful hand by cobbling shoes through the night. Though not before taking full advantage of your sleeping wife.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You'll be pulled over by the grammar police this week, asked to slowly step out of your car, and then beaten mercilessly for using a double negative.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
In some primitive and remote cultures, obesity is a sign of great influence and wealth. Take that of Northern Minnesota, for instance.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Cancer represents the descent of the self into the collective ocean of spirit and thought. Also, Cancer represents whatever other bullshit you're willing to believe this week.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Sometimes with love you just have to dust yourself off, lick your wounds, and get right back up on that horse again—no matter how angry the poor mare already is.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You'll soon spy with your little eye something that is red and black and burnt and flying and shrieking and vengeful and howling and hurt. Thanks, in large part, to all that acid.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Being a parent doesn't come with an instruction manual, which is too bad, as you'd love something heavy to beat the little bastard with.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
The descent of Jupiter in your sign is often associated with a change in careers, though today, it's pretty much just Scorpio's way of letting you know your fly is down.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Remember: There's no reason to go through life worrying about every little horrifying thing that may happen to your legs, shortly after 10 p.m., this coming Saturday.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Your dog will soon become just as much a part of the family as your kids, your loving spouse, and that short, hairy uncle of yours that needs to be let out every few hours.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
It's okay to feel a little nervous and unsure of yourself during your first day at work. After all, it's not as if you were even hired there.
