Your Horoscope
Your Birthday Today
Like a fine wine, you get better with age. Also like wine, you tend to get abused by raging alcoholics.
Aries March 21 - April 19
A magical night beneath the stars awaits you this Thursday. Unfortunately for you, they're John Goodman, French Stewart and Artie Lang.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
All of your money problems will disappear this week when a large safe falls out of a nearby window, crushing your creditors at once.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
They may make your heart race and your knees tremble, but remember: Women are just as scared of you as you are of them.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
The streets will run red with the blood of the innocent and the pure this week—so relax, you have absolutely nothing to worry about.
Leo July 23 - August 22
The moon in your sign indicates financial success in the coming days. The moon in your rear-view mirror, however, indicates those damn teens are at it again.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Luck will be yours this week when a rapidly overflowing toilet nets you over 20 million dollars in black market heroin.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Never in a million years did you think you'd end up as a successful trial lawyer, but it's still a bit of a surprise when you don't.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Despite frantic efforts to retrieve it, your antipsychotic medication will be swept away by a shrieking river of lava once again this week.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Your mother always said she wasn't made of money, but you and your local blood donor clinic are going to prove her wrong.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Look to the Bible for the answer to your problems this week, or any other heavy book you can use to kill spiders.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You claim to be more of a lover than a fighter, which is strange, considering the last 15 years of your marriage.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
It's difficult to know who to trust in life. Then again, the guy with the horns and the hooves should have been a no-brainer.
Past Horoscopes
October 7, 2008
Issue 44•41
Aries You will soon make a comfortable living exploiting other people's deep-seated anxieties and crippling social fears.
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Taurus A surprise awaits Taurus in the days to come, or whenever it is you have that physical scheduled for.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Gemini The training wheels will soon come off your bike, as will both regular wheels, the front and back brakes, each handlebar, and finally, you.
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Cancer The look on your face will be priceless this week, but due to the core temperature of molten steel, it won't last very long.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Leo Smoking will finally kill you, but not in the way you or any of the other gas station attendants will see coming.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Virgo It's been a good life, but you always knew the day would come when the owls would finally catch up with you.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Libra Police officials will quickly rule you out as a suspect in the Case Of The Recently Showered Burglar.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Scorpio You've always had a funny way of showing affection, which is unfortunate, as your wife's getting pretty tired of all the pies in the face.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Sagittarius You're not the type of person who takes things personally, making it very hard for friends to openly insult you.