Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
Like a fine wine, you get better with age. Also like wine, you tend to get abused by raging alcoholics.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
A magical night beneath the stars awaits you this Thursday. Unfortunately for you, they're John Goodman, French Stewart and Artie Lang.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
All of your money problems will disappear this week when a large safe falls out of a nearby window, crushing your creditors at once.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
They may make your heart race and your knees tremble, but remember: Women are just as scared of you as you are of them.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
The streets will run red with the blood of the innocent and the pure this week—so relax, you have absolutely nothing to worry about.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
The moon in your sign indicates financial success in the coming days. The moon in your rear-view mirror, however, indicates those damn teens are at it again.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Luck will be yours this week when a rapidly overflowing toilet nets you over 20 million dollars in black market heroin.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Never in a million years did you think you'd end up as a successful trial lawyer, but it's still a bit of a surprise when you don't.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Despite frantic efforts to retrieve it, your antipsychotic medication will be swept away by a shrieking river of lava once again this week.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your mother always said she wasn't made of money, but you and your local blood donor clinic are going to prove her wrong.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Look to the Bible for the answer to your problems this week, or any other heavy book you can use to kill spiders.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You claim to be more of a lover than a fighter, which is strange, considering the last 15 years of your marriage.
