Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
This is an important week for you, as you'll learn the valuable lesson that people will forgive the well-dressed man almost anything.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You'll take a bold stand against hundreds of years of accepted business practices when you refuse to base your in-office wardrobe on a two-button navy blue suit.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The stars see nothing wrong with chiding someone for wearing pleat-fronted khakis, but it's better to go easy on someone wearing the same style of pant in a gabardine.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Take care this week when purchasing hand-made loafers, as many of the modern designers use sole leather prone to slippage and cracking.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You'll be the object of mockery for days after mistakenly telling your tailor to use too shallow a break in the cuffs of your trousers.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
While there's no doubt that plastic collar stays have their place in the fast-paced modern world, Jupiter ascendant in Leo means it's time to invest in a set crafted from old-fashioned brass.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
With the right collar, three-button sport coats don't have to look old fashioned, and they can often accommodate PDAs or smartphones in their more generous interior pockets.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
A mysterious stranger will appear and teach you how a suit in a bold (not to say loud) checked pattern can add dignified character to your closet, as long as you augment it with plain shirts and solid ties.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
A summer-weight wool suit is a nice idea, but let's face it: Wool is still wool.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
This is a good time to make changes in the workplace, especially if you have the kind of quiet authority a pair of heirloom-quality cuff links confer.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Fear will be your prime motivator this week, but don't be afraid to wear brown shoes with a blue suit as long as the shoes are well-kept and match your belt.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Self-honesty is the most difficult road a man can walk, especially when one is forced to admit that almost no one looks good in both tweeds and pinstripes.
