Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your life will be drab and gray until you discover that your stuffed animals can be posed in amusing sexual positions.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Don't be so sensitive. Sometimes, when people say "big, fat, flaming asshole," they really just mean "fat asshole."
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You're the kind of person who likes to have the right tool for the job, so don't be caught without a complete set of dental picks this week.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Jupiter is in your sun sign this week, making it pretty crowded in there, what with Jupiter being the largest of the planets and all.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You thought true love would last forever, but you're shocked to discover an expiration date printed on the back, just below the consumer warnings.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Financial reward could be in your future this week, as Gemini is offering limited-time zero-percent interest on all balances transferred from other Zodiac signs. Apply now.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You will fall victim to a dangerous personality disorder that makes you believe that the personal lives of celebrities are interesting and important.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Frankly, the stars don't understand what your problem is with calamari. So what if it's tentacles? It's delicious! Eat it already!
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You'll feel cheated this week when you discover there's no law that says you have to be nice to old ladies.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Next week will be a time of great financial and emotional rewards. It's just too bad you won't be there to see it.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Your shocking decision to pose nude in Cosmopolitan may not have created such a stir had you asked the editors' permission first.
