Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your life will be drab and gray until you discover that your stuffed animals can be posed in amusing sexual positions.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Don't be so sensitive. Sometimes, when people say "big, fat, flaming asshole," they really just mean "fat asshole."
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You're the kind of person who likes to have the right tool for the job, so don't be caught without a complete set of dental picks this week.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Jupiter is in your sun sign this week, making it pretty crowded in there, what with Jupiter being the largest of the planets and all.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You thought true love would last forever, but you're shocked to discover an expiration date printed on the back, just below the consumer warnings.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Financial reward could be in your future this week, as Gemini is offering limited-time zero-percent interest on all balances transferred from other Zodiac signs. Apply now.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You will fall victim to a dangerous personality disorder that makes you believe that the personal lives of celebrities are interesting and important.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Frankly, the stars don't understand what your problem is with calamari. So what if it's tentacles? It's delicious! Eat it already!
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You'll feel cheated this week when you discover there's no law that says you have to be nice to old ladies.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Next week will be a time of great financial and emotional rewards. It's just too bad you won't be there to see it.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Your shocking decision to pose nude in Cosmopolitan may not have created such a stir had you asked the editors' permission first.
