Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
It's often said that the older a person gets the wiser he becomes. Unfortunately, you're still young enough to believe in that junk.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
This coming week is a good time for Aries to explore different career options, which, with your skill set, should leave Tuesday through Sunday wide open.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
After experiencing the steep drops, abrupt climbs, and out-of-control spins of a roller coaster this week, you'll finally see why your therapist so often invokes them in characterizing your mental states.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
While it's often understood that racism, by nature, is borne of ignorance, your claim that the Irish control the media will still seem particularly uneducated this week.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Your tendency to see the worst in every situation will rob you of any pleasure you might have otherwise derived from next Thursday's biological outbreak.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Tomorrow will be the perfect day to curl up in bed with a good book and sob hysterically about how you never learned to read.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
So ashamed will you be about falling down the stairs that you'll lie to friends and family, telling them instead that your husband beat you.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
While experimenting with sex is perfectly normal for someone your age, experimenting with the many varieties of electrical currents and diode clamps is not.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You'll still be able to count the number of times you've suffered a woodshop accident on one hand, although it'll take a little more ingenuity and creativity than before.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
When carrying out a book-burning, first stoke the fire with smaller, lighter works from Austen and Waugh, before throwing on the heavier hardbacks of Tolstoy and Joyce.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
They've taken to calling you a broken man, defeated, beaten, dispirited, hopeless—but then they have access to a thesaurus.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Your therapist will insist that childhood trauma is the cause of your unusual behavior, but it's only recently that you've started screaming for candy.
