Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
You'll reach an important milestone in your life when, after a few too many Cosmos at your birthday party, you'll drive at full speed into one of your town's quaint milestones.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Though the doctors have found a donor and are willing to perform the operation, you should really ask yourself how many more livers you actually need.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Judging by the speed of the approaching asteroid swarm, it is not a good time to go forward with new plans in your career.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Your utter lack of appeal to the opposite sex will save you from the Black Widow Killer, but it won't keep you out of the clutches of the Utter Lack of Appeal to the Opposite Sex Slasher.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You'll finally find love, happiness, and meaning in life, but unfortunately only by partnering with an inspiring field-goal-kicking golden retriever.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Your life has reached a state of inertia, due primarily to the fact that you've spent most of it waiting for the next truly great ice cream flavor to come along.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You'll finally clear up your years-long nightmare of health care paperwork and insurance confusion when you realize that heroin is available without a prescription.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
The current political climate will continue to make it difficult for you to enjoy your hobby of packing trucks with explosives, driving them to government buildings, and masturbating yourself senseless behind the wheel.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
People say there's nothing wrong with you a little exercise won't cure, but only because they know physical strain will burst your flabby heart like a balloon.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You're beginning to suspect that people may have hidden, personal motives for asking you to give them all your money.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You'd much rather have people fear you than love you, which may be a problem since you are an adorable 3-week-old tiger-striped kitten.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Although you really want the 16-ounce tenderloin with peppercorn sauce and a side of gorgonzola mashed potatoes, you'll ultimately settle for the spinach salad without dressing.
