Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Father's Day Horoscopes
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your marriage will soon erode to the point where you'll be sorely tempted to turn her in for the reward money.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The stars find that the time has come for you to put away childish things. Yes, that includes your three small children.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
If there is more to life than fishing, you don't want to know what it is. This will help explain your death from malnutrition and dehydration next week.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You will be shocked to learn that, due to a legal fluke, your long-term houseguest is now your common-law wife.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Try as you might, you will not be able to improve your mediocre putting game. Gee, some big fucking problems you got, asshole.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
After 14 long years, you will be admitted to the Baseball Hall Of Fame when you finally come up with the $11.50 admission price.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Start childproofing your house now, as a pack of bloodthirsty feral children is headed your way.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Telling the waitress that you could make a better cup of coffee from the sweat on your balls won't do her any good. Show her how.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You never thought anything could ever replace sex in your life, but that was before you tried pouring yourself a nice stiff drink, putting on some music, and having sex.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Financial experts know that a number of factors are to blame for the downturn, but they won't be able to shake the hunch that it was all your fault somehow.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Your uniqueness as a human being is threatened when you find a person who enjoys ham just as much as you do.
