Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Father's Day Horoscopes
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your marriage will soon erode to the point where you'll be sorely tempted to turn her in for the reward money.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The stars find that the time has come for you to put away childish things. Yes, that includes your three small children.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
If there is more to life than fishing, you don't want to know what it is. This will help explain your death from malnutrition and dehydration next week.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You will be shocked to learn that, due to a legal fluke, your long-term houseguest is now your common-law wife.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Try as you might, you will not be able to improve your mediocre putting game. Gee, some big fucking problems you got, asshole.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
After 14 long years, you will be admitted to the Baseball Hall Of Fame when you finally come up with the $11.50 admission price.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Start childproofing your house now, as a pack of bloodthirsty feral children is headed your way.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Telling the waitress that you could make a better cup of coffee from the sweat on your balls won't do her any good. Show her how.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You never thought anything could ever replace sex in your life, but that was before you tried pouring yourself a nice stiff drink, putting on some music, and having sex.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Financial experts know that a number of factors are to blame for the downturn, but they won't be able to shake the hunch that it was all your fault somehow.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Your uniqueness as a human being is threatened when you find a person who enjoys ham just as much as you do.
