Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
The party hats and streamers may seem a bit excessive, but it's not everyday that people get to celebrate your impending death.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Jealousy, suspicion, and utter confusion will be yours this week when you find yourself at the center of a bizarre love rhombus.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The mere mention of your name strikes fear and terror in the hearts of men, though that's mainly because it's so difficult to pronounce.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
The stars foresee a great number of failures, setbacks and letdowns in your future, but then pretty much anyone could have told you that.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Smuggling cocaine across the border is a delicate art. Next time try stashing it inside a stuffed animal instead of a live one.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Action and adventure await you this Thursday, though not before hours of pointless exposition and predictable plot twists.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Your claims that you can't do nothing right are incorrect. What you mean you to say is "can't do anything right."
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
While it's true that your marriage isn't dead yet, the circling vultures and lurking coyotes can't be a good sign.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Turns out it's neither the heat nor the humidity, but rather a foot-long meatball sub that will cause all the sweating.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will drink from the well of wisdom this week, instantly learning all there is to know about contracting dysentery.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Your flawless table manners, impeccable hygiene, and extensive vocabulary may seem strange to some, but then they've never met anyone raised by the Wolffs before.
