Past Horoscopes
June 26, 2009
Aries Avoid confrontation at work today. Sneak up behind your boss and slowly strangle him to death.
June 16, 2009
Taurus The stars find that the time has come for you to put away childish things. Yes, that includes your three small children.
June 9, 2009
Gemini You're the kind of person who likes to have the right tool for the job, so don't be caught without a complete set of dental picks this week.
June 2, 2009
Cancer Cancer represents the descent of the self into the collective ocean of spirit and thought. Also, Cancer represents whatever other bullshit you're willing to believe this week.
May 26, 2009
Leo Remember: No matter how bad things get, or how hopeless life may seem, you can always go home again and take it out on your family.
May 19, 2009
Virgo Take solace in this: There is a meaning and purpose to the universe, even if it's far too complicated for you to understand, and won't pay off for years.
May 12, 2009
Libra Get ready to kiss your niece, your nephew, and all of your godchildren goodbye. Though, this time, try not to slip them the tongue while you do it.
May 5, 2009
Scorpio You'll kick back this week with a little bit of Grandpa's cough medicine, which is too bad, as Grandpa was a radiation oncologist.
May 1, 2009
Sagittarius Your decision to take up bicycling will cause many in your area to rethink their call for increased bicycle safety.
Your Birthday Today
The party hats and streamers may seem a bit excessive, but it's not everyday that people get to celebrate your impending death.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Jealousy, suspicion, and utter confusion will be yours this week when you find yourself at the center of a bizarre love rhombus.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The mere mention of your name strikes fear and terror in the hearts of men, though that's mainly because it's so difficult to pronounce.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
The stars foresee a great number of failures, setbacks and letdowns in your future, but then pretty much anyone could have told you that.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Smuggling cocaine across the border is a delicate art. Next time try stashing it inside a stuffed animal instead of a live one.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Action and adventure await you this Thursday, though not before hours of pointless exposition and predictable plot twists.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Your claims that you can't do nothing right are incorrect. What you mean you to say is "can't do anything right."
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
While it's true that your marriage isn't dead yet, the circling vultures and lurking coyotes can't be a good sign.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Turns out it's neither the heat nor the humidity, but rather a foot-long meatball sub that will cause all the sweating.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will drink from the well of wisdom this week, instantly learning all there is to know about contracting dysentery.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Your flawless table manners, impeccable hygiene, and extensive vocabulary may seem strange to some, but then they've never met anyone raised by the Wolffs before.
