Your Horoscope
Your Birthday Today
The party hats and streamers may seem a bit excessive, but it's not everyday that people get to celebrate your impending death.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Jealousy, suspicion, and utter confusion will be yours this week when you find yourself at the center of a bizarre love rhombus.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
The mere mention of your name strikes fear and terror in the hearts of men, though that's mainly because it's so difficult to pronounce.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
The stars foresee a great number of failures, setbacks and letdowns in your future, but then pretty much anyone could have told you that.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Smuggling cocaine across the border is a delicate art. Next time try stashing it inside a stuffed animal instead of a live one.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Action and adventure await you this Thursday, though not before hours of pointless exposition and predictable plot twists.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Your claims that you can't do nothing right are incorrect. What you mean you to say is "can't do anything right."
Libra September 23 - October 23
While it's true that your marriage isn't dead yet, the circling vultures and lurking coyotes can't be a good sign.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Turns out it's neither the heat nor the humidity, but rather a foot-long meatball sub that will cause all the sweating.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You will drink from the well of wisdom this week, instantly learning all there is to know about contracting dysentery.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Your flawless table manners, impeccable hygiene, and extensive vocabulary may seem strange to some, but then they've never met anyone raised by the Wolffs before.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Remember: Anything can be accomplished with enough grit, determination, and cups of black coffee.
Past Horoscopes
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Aries Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Taurus Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Gemini If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Cancer Your lucky numbers for this week are: 812, √3/14, 0.0000085, and π.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Leo Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Virgo The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Libra Remember: When people say that children are our future, they're talking about much healthier infants than yours.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Scorpio Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Sagittarius Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, though unfortunately for you, not at the same time.