Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
Spectacular advancements in speech- recognition technology will finally allow you to understand what people really mean when they say you should consider getting a hobby.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You'll waste years of your life and your entire life savings on the mistaken assumption that people don't mind driving a few miles out of their way for a really top-notch handjob.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The booming illegal ivory trade will continue to make life hellishly stressful for people like you with unusually prominent and oddly-shaped collarbones.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
The stars realize it's just a highly unusual birthmark, but you can't blame normal people for thinking you had the Trans Am "screaming chicken" tattooed on your infant daughter.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
All your hard work will soon pay off, as the powers that be are so pleased with you that they're planning to transfer you from your current backwater hellhole to someplace even worse.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You'll learn far too late to be careful what you wish for when the ponies, sailboat, and baby brother you wanted back when you were 7 suddenly appear in your living room this week.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Finding comfortable formal footwear will become unnecessarily complicated this week when you're waited on by the self-styled Harlem Globetrotters of Trying on Shoes.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
It's true that sometimes we have to be cruel to be kind, but maybe using the crosscut saw was a little much.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You thought your wireless Bluetooth- capable pregnancy tester was the worst idea anyone had ever had, but that was before someone decided to open up a Hooter's in Oman.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Selling your life story to Hollywood for less than $300 was demeaning enough, but now they're saying that Paul Giamatti may not be sufficiently dumpy to play you.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You'll provide an interesting footnote to the history of international turmoil when, due to a complicated series of mistranslations and corrupt ballots, you inadvertently seize control of Italy for four blood-soaked days.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You and your spouse will be informed that, tragically, you can only keep one of the triplets, and that it'll cost an extra grand for even the one to stay all night.
