Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Your Birthday Today
Spectacular advancements in speech- recognition technology will finally allow you to understand what people really mean when they say you should consider getting a hobby.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You'll waste years of your life and your entire life savings on the mistaken assumption that people don't mind driving a few miles out of their way for a really top-notch handjob.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The booming illegal ivory trade will continue to make life hellishly stressful for people like you with unusually prominent and oddly-shaped collarbones.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
The stars realize it's just a highly unusual birthmark, but you can't blame normal people for thinking you had the Trans Am "screaming chicken" tattooed on your infant daughter.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
All your hard work will soon pay off, as the powers that be are so pleased with you that they're planning to transfer you from your current backwater hellhole to someplace even worse.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You'll learn far too late to be careful what you wish for when the ponies, sailboat, and baby brother you wanted back when you were 7 suddenly appear in your living room this week.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Finding comfortable formal footwear will become unnecessarily complicated this week when you're waited on by the self-styled Harlem Globetrotters of Trying on Shoes.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
It's true that sometimes we have to be cruel to be kind, but maybe using the crosscut saw was a little much.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You thought your wireless Bluetooth- capable pregnancy tester was the worst idea anyone had ever had, but that was before someone decided to open up a Hooter's in Oman.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Selling your life story to Hollywood for less than $300 was demeaning enough, but now they're saying that Paul Giamatti may not be sufficiently dumpy to play you.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You'll provide an interesting footnote to the history of international turmoil when, due to a complicated series of mistranslations and corrupt ballots, you inadvertently seize control of Italy for four blood-soaked days.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You and your spouse will be informed that, tragically, you can only keep one of the triplets, and that it'll cost an extra grand for even the one to stay all night.
