Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Avoid confrontation at work today. Sneak up behind your boss and slowly strangle him to death.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Your work with disadvantaged and at-risk youth continues this Thursday when you’re forced to hand them your wallet.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Most firearm accidents occur in the home. Avoid the chance of serious injury by getting shot repeatedly at work this week.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Follow your dreams this week. When delivering a presentation at work, turn into a giant eggplant and fly away.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
The stars foresee a second job promotion in the days to come, though they should probably be telling Dave about it instead of you.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Punctuality has never been your strong suit. Keep those at work from finding out with a series of diversionary explosions this week.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Getting laid off is a tough pill to swallow, though that’s primarily because it’s a suppository.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your coworkers are beginning to tire of your lame excuses. Although, to be fair, that’s really your plumber’s fault.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
The kind of pressure you'll deal with this week would kill a lesser man, which, unfortunately, is exactly what you are.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
When asked where you see yourself in five years, refrain from laughing wildly, crying suddenly, and jumping clear out of a nearby window.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Your fear of heights worsens this Thursday when the vertical measurement calls you at home, breathes heavily into the receiver, and threatens to murder your loved ones in their sleep.
