Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Avoid confrontation at work today. Sneak up behind your boss and slowly strangle him to death.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Your work with disadvantaged and at-risk youth continues this Thursday when you’re forced to hand them your wallet.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Most firearm accidents occur in the home. Avoid the chance of serious injury by getting shot repeatedly at work this week.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Follow your dreams this week. When delivering a presentation at work, turn into a giant eggplant and fly away.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
The stars foresee a second job promotion in the days to come, though they should probably be telling Dave about it instead of you.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Punctuality has never been your strong suit. Keep those at work from finding out with a series of diversionary explosions this week.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Getting laid off is a tough pill to swallow, though that’s primarily because it’s a suppository.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your coworkers are beginning to tire of your lame excuses. Although, to be fair, that’s really your plumber’s fault.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
The kind of pressure you'll deal with this week would kill a lesser man, which, unfortunately, is exactly what you are.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
When asked where you see yourself in five years, refrain from laughing wildly, crying suddenly, and jumping clear out of a nearby window.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Your fear of heights worsens this Thursday when the vertical measurement calls you at home, breathes heavily into the receiver, and threatens to murder your loved ones in their sleep.
