Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You’ll feast on the flesh of your mortal enemy, which is lucky for you, as your mortal enemy is the orange-braised duck.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Friends will soon discover the secret ingredient to your world-famous lemon bars, though they’ll lack the necessary motor functions to tell others.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You’re no art expert, but you know what you like, which explains all the meatball sandwiches hanging on your walls.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
The stars fucking give up—if you want another slice of blueberry pie, just go ahead and have another slice of blueberry pie.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
While it's true that every man has his price, yours is the only one clearly labeled at the top of a pancake menu.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
It might not be today, and it might not be tomorrow, but you’ll soon come to regret staging a pie-eating contest to select a new wife.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You’re about to go through a real messy divorce, thanks in large part to the Philly cheese steak you’ll refuse to put down.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
The stars apologize for last week’s prediction of “money problems.” Looks like they forgot the “k” in there.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You’ll have no choice but to eat the other passengers after your plane crashes into an Armor Hot Dog Processing Plant this week.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Don’t spend the rest of your life wondering “what if?” Dress the dog in full military regalia before it’s too late.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Turns out it was the butler, in the study, with the candlestick. But enough about your love life.
