Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You’ll feast on the flesh of your mortal enemy, which is lucky for you, as your mortal enemy is the orange-braised duck.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Friends will soon discover the secret ingredient to your world-famous lemon bars, though they’ll lack the necessary motor functions to tell others.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You’re no art expert, but you know what you like, which explains all the meatball sandwiches hanging on your walls.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
The stars fucking give up—if you want another slice of blueberry pie, just go ahead and have another slice of blueberry pie.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
While it's true that every man has his price, yours is the only one clearly labeled at the top of a pancake menu.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
It might not be today, and it might not be tomorrow, but you’ll soon come to regret staging a pie-eating contest to select a new wife.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You’re about to go through a real messy divorce, thanks in large part to the Philly cheese steak you’ll refuse to put down.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
The stars apologize for last week’s prediction of “money problems.” Looks like they forgot the “k” in there.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You’ll have no choice but to eat the other passengers after your plane crashes into an Armor Hot Dog Processing Plant this week.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Don’t spend the rest of your life wondering “what if?” Dress the dog in full military regalia before it’s too late.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Turns out it was the butler, in the study, with the candlestick. But enough about your love life.
