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Past Horoscopes

March 16, 2010

Aries There truly is more than one way to skin a cat, but the limited market for cat skins makes learning more than three methods impractical.

March 9, 2010

Taurus Fear and Jealousy will soon tear you apart, which is rather unfortunate, as Fear and Jealousy are the two pitbulls that live next door.

March 2, 2010

Gemini The presence of Saturn in your sign this week indicates strength, determination, and you getting repeatedly struck by a Model SL1 Series.

February 16, 2010

Cancer Attempts to run away from the problem will fail this week when the problem turns out to be a short-circuited treadmill.

February 9, 2010

Leo Yes, love is a total mystery. Those semen stains, though, are probably a clue.

February 2, 2010

Virgo Your new pheromone-based cologne will make you irresistible to women, who will devour you, bones, hair, and all.

January 26, 2010

Libra The red-tailed hawk is known for its hooked bill, its sharp claws, and after this Thursday, its rather keen sense of revenge.

January 19, 2010

Scorpio The story of the universe has always fascinated you, but the ending will leave you with a lot of unanswered questions.

January 12, 2010

Sagittarius When it comes to race relations, you're colorblind. Also when it comes to sofas, desk chairs, and traffic lights.

See All Horoscopes

June 30, 2009 | Issue 45•27

 

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19

You’ll feast on the flesh of your mortal enemy, which is lucky for you, as your mortal enemy is the orange-braised duck.

 

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20

Friends will soon discover the secret ingredient to your world-famous lemon bars, though they’ll lack the necessary motor functions to tell others.

 

Gemini May 21 - Jun 21

You’re no art expert, but you know what you like, which explains all the meatball sandwiches hanging on your walls.

 

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22

The stars fucking give up—if you want another slice of blueberry pie, just go ahead and have another slice of blueberry pie.

 

Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22

While it's true that every man has his price, yours is the only one clearly labeled at the top of a pancake menu.

 

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22

It might not be today, and it might not be tomorrow, but you’ll soon come to regret staging a pie-eating contest to select a new wife.

 

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23

You’re about to go through a real messy divorce, thanks in large part to the Philly cheese steak you’ll refuse to put down.

 

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21

The stars apologize for last week’s prediction of “money problems.” Looks like they forgot the “k” in there.

 

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21

You’ll have no choice but to eat the other passengers after your plane crashes into an Armor Hot Dog Processing Plant this week.

 

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19

Don’t spend the rest of your life wondering “what if?” Dress the dog in full military regalia before it’s too late.

 

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18

Turns out it was the butler, in the study, with the candlestick. But enough about your love life.

 

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20

You’ll turn to religion this week, dislocating your neck, both shoulders, and most of your tendons in the process.

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