Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You'll have no choice but to eat the other passengers after your plane crashes into an Armor Hot Dog Processing Plant this week.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Remember: When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then, when life least expects it, throw the lemonade right in its spiteful face.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Everyone laughed when you said mankind wouldn't last another 100 years, but that's because you did it in a funny Mexican accent.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
On sale this week at Cancer. Love advice, 99 cents a pound. Fresh, organic prophecies, two for $2.25. Plus, Zodiac-brand Fortune Bars, only $4 until supplies last.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Mosquitoes are usually attracted to body heat and perspiration, though in your case, it's the giant mosquito costume.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
The cosmic sands of time will sweep through your sign this week, filling your shorts with eons of frustration.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You're about to go through a real messy divorce, thanks in large part to the Philly cheese steak you'll refuse to put down.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
A magic carpet ride awaits Scorpio this week. Prepare to travel from the trunk of an old Buick, down the Brooklyn Bridge, and into the East River.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
No one likes to hear that they're going to be confined to a wheelchair for the rest of their life. Teach your cockatiel something else to say.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You can learn a lot by putting yourself in another person's shoes. Go the extra mile and put yourself in their clothes, their delicate hosieries, and their intoxicating undergarments.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Giving birth is a life-changing experience, especially when it shoots straight out of your sternum like that.
