Your Horoscope
Your Birthday Today
You wouldn't have taught the cockatoo half those phrases had you known he'd someday testify against you.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Doctors will diagnose you with a new strain of tuberculosis this week, or "Poor Unsuspecting Bastard's Disease" as it'll come to be known.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
The stars warn of physical danger for Taurus in the coming days, which considering the shape you’re in, probably means bending over to pick up a sock.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You’ve never been a very detail-oriented person. Still, you’re pretty sure those antlers weren’t there last week.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
While the bible in your breast pocket will stop the first bullet, the Penthouse in front of your face will let the next dozen or so straight through.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Your method of smuggling drugs across the border might seem more risqué were the drugs not perfectly legal, available over the counter, and produced in suppository form.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Ants are known for being hard-working and diligent, but you'll still be surprised when 5,000 of them drag you out of bed on a Sunday.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Disaster will strike when you least expect it this week. Unfortunately, it’ll also strike when you most expect it this week.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Cries of pleasure and ecstasy will fill your bedroom this Thursday, forcing you to bang on your ceiling with the end of a broomstick.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
They say you’re only as old as you feel, which helps explain why you passed away four years ago.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You'll finally enter the record books this Thursday, though unfortunately for you, they're the ones used to keep track of inventory costs and showroom sales.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Your indecisive nature is both a blessing and a curse, or at least that's the only conclusion you've so far been able to reach.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Yes, you'll get the girl in the end, but by that time, she'll be twice divorced, have lost much of her figure, and be buried at a nearby cemetery.
Past Horoscopes
April 29, 2008
Issue 44•18
Aries Your life story will soon be adapted in a hit Broadway play, though a lot of the over-the-top singing and dancing will have to be cut out in order to fit the stage.
April 22, 2008
Issue 44•17
Taurus While it's true that taking drugs won't make your problems go away, nobody ever said anything about selling drugs.
April 15, 2008
Issue 44•16
Gemini Finding just the right words to express your feelings is often difficult, which is why you'll ultimately settle on a series of obscene hand gestures.
April 8, 2008
Issue 44•15
Cancer While you believe it to be the gentlemanly thing to do, opening trap doors for women actually makes you a giant asshole.
April 1, 2008
Issue 44•14
Leo Your tendency to gamble will result in you losing your house, your car, and your family. Although it's infidelity and not betting that will be to blame.
March 25, 2008
Issue 44•13
Virgo Exposure to bursts of gamma radiation will soon leave you with the tumor-growing ability of 10 regular men.
March 18, 2008
Issue 44•12
Libra There comes a time in every man's life when he's forced to admit that he has failed. For you that time is known as "Tuesdays."
March 11, 2008
Issue 44•11
Scorpio All of those hurtful mother-in-law jokes will come back to haunt you this Friday when you suddenly run out of hurtful mother-in-law jokes to tell.
March 4, 2008
Issue 44•09
Sagittarius They say you’re only as old as you feel, which helps explain why you passed away four years ago.