Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
You wouldn't have taught the cockatoo half those phrases had you known he'd someday testify against you.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Doctors will diagnose you with a new strain of tuberculosis this week, or "Poor Unsuspecting Bastard's Disease" as it'll come to be known.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The stars warn of physical danger for Taurus in the coming days, which considering the shape you’re in, probably means bending over to pick up a sock.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You’ve never been a very detail-oriented person. Still, you’re pretty sure those antlers weren’t there last week.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
While the bible in your breast pocket will stop the first bullet, the Penthouse in front of your face will let the next dozen or so straight through.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Your method of smuggling drugs across the border might seem more risqué were the drugs not perfectly legal, available over the counter, and produced in suppository form.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Ants are known for being hard-working and diligent, but you'll still be surprised when 5,000 of them drag you out of bed on a Sunday.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Disaster will strike when you least expect it this week. Unfortunately, it’ll also strike when you most expect it this week.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Cries of pleasure and ecstasy will fill your bedroom this Thursday, forcing you to bang on your ceiling with the end of a broomstick.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
They say you’re only as old as you feel, which helps explain why you passed away four years ago.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You'll finally enter the record books this Thursday, though unfortunately for you, they're the ones used to keep track of inventory costs and showroom sales.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Your indecisive nature is both a blessing and a curse, or at least that's the only conclusion you've so far been able to reach.
