Past Horoscopes
June 26, 2009
Aries Avoid confrontation at work today. Sneak up behind your boss and slowly strangle him to death.
June 16, 2009
Taurus The stars find that the time has come for you to put away childish things. Yes, that includes your three small children.
June 9, 2009
Gemini You're the kind of person who likes to have the right tool for the job, so don't be caught without a complete set of dental picks this week.
June 2, 2009
Cancer Cancer represents the descent of the self into the collective ocean of spirit and thought. Also, Cancer represents whatever other bullshit you're willing to believe this week.
May 26, 2009
Leo Remember: No matter how bad things get, or how hopeless life may seem, you can always go home again and take it out on your family.
May 19, 2009
Virgo Take solace in this: There is a meaning and purpose to the universe, even if it's far too complicated for you to understand, and won't pay off for years.
May 12, 2009
Libra Get ready to kiss your niece, your nephew, and all of your godchildren goodbye. Though, this time, try not to slip them the tongue while you do it.
May 5, 2009
Scorpio You'll kick back this week with a little bit of Grandpa's cough medicine, which is too bad, as Grandpa was a radiation oncologist.
May 1, 2009
Sagittarius Your decision to take up bicycling will cause many in your area to rethink their call for increased bicycle safety.
Your Birthday Today
You wouldn't have taught the cockatoo half those phrases had you known he'd someday testify against you.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Doctors will diagnose you with a new strain of tuberculosis this week, or "Poor Unsuspecting Bastard's Disease" as it'll come to be known.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The stars warn of physical danger for Taurus in the coming days, which considering the shape you’re in, probably means bending over to pick up a sock.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You’ve never been a very detail-oriented person. Still, you’re pretty sure those antlers weren’t there last week.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
While the bible in your breast pocket will stop the first bullet, the Penthouse in front of your face will let the next dozen or so straight through.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Your method of smuggling drugs across the border might seem more risqué were the drugs not perfectly legal, available over the counter, and produced in suppository form.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Ants are known for being hard-working and diligent, but you'll still be surprised when 5,000 of them drag you out of bed on a Sunday.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Disaster will strike when you least expect it this week. Unfortunately, it’ll also strike when you most expect it this week.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Cries of pleasure and ecstasy will fill your bedroom this Thursday, forcing you to bang on your ceiling with the end of a broomstick.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
They say you’re only as old as you feel, which helps explain why you passed away four years ago.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You'll finally enter the record books this Thursday, though unfortunately for you, they're the ones used to keep track of inventory costs and showroom sales.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Your indecisive nature is both a blessing and a curse, or at least that's the only conclusion you've so far been able to reach.
