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Past Horoscopes

June 26, 2009

Aries Avoid confrontation at work today. Sneak up behind your boss and slowly strangle him to death.

June 16, 2009

Taurus The stars find that the time has come for you to put away childish things. Yes, that includes your three small children.

June 9, 2009

Gemini You're the kind of person who likes to have the right tool for the job, so don't be caught without a complete set of dental picks this week.

June 2, 2009

Cancer Cancer represents the descent of the self into the collective ocean of spirit and thought. Also, Cancer represents whatever other bullshit you're willing to believe this week.

May 26, 2009

Leo Remember: No matter how bad things get, or how hopeless life may seem, you can always go home again and take it out on your family.

May 19, 2009

Virgo Take solace in this: There is a meaning and purpose to the universe, even if it's far too complicated for you to understand, and won't pay off for years.

May 12, 2009

Libra Get ready to kiss your niece, your nephew, and all of your godchildren goodbye. Though, this time, try not to slip them the tongue while you do it.

May 5, 2009

Scorpio You'll kick back this week with a little bit of Grandpa's cough medicine, which is too bad, as Grandpa was a radiation oncologist.

May 1, 2009

Sagittarius Your decision to take up bicycling will cause many in your area to rethink their call for increased bicycle safety.

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March 7, 2007 | Issue 43•10

Your Birthday Today

You're about to transition into an exciting new phase of your life, thanks to the direct application of heat and your body's rather low melting point.

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19

Remember: While faith can move mountains, only religion is capable of making you feel guilty for doing so.

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20

Others may claim you to be a contrarian, they may accuse you of being a knee-jerk naysayer, of disputing popular opinion for the sake of disputing popular opinion–but then you really couldn't disagree with them more.

Gemini May 21 - Jun 21

In a tragic twist of fate, you'll be overwhelmed this week by both a sense of fear and a pack of wolves.

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22

You believe there to be only two types of people in the world, those who dismiss your opinions as intensely ignorant and drunk Irishmen.

Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22

The stars predict the beginning of a lifelong romance this week, which just goes to show you how wrong the stars can sometimes be.

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22

You'll be confronted by feelings of anger, disgust, and complete disbelief after taking a trip to the Holocaust Museum bathroom.

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23

Scientists around the world will come to praise you as a true trailblazer in the field of Incorrect Particle Physics.

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21

You'll soon learn that, while the truth can sometimes set you free, other times it can send you to prison for murdering your parents.

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21

The sudden rise in mood swings, wild food cravings, and rapid head-to-toe hair-growth can only mean one thing: It's that time of the lunar cycle again!

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19

Unfortunately for you, there's no adage about how to actually dispose of the baby after the bathwater.

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18

Your willingness to die for what you believe in may seem naïve, but someone has to stand up to people who think Ray Combs was the best host of Family Feud.

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20

Though you've always been the sort of guy to act first and think later, many will soon come to know you as a rather cautious and calculating woman.

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