Past Horoscopes
June 26, 2009
Aries Avoid confrontation at work today. Sneak up behind your boss and slowly strangle him to death.
June 16, 2009
Taurus The stars find that the time has come for you to put away childish things. Yes, that includes your three small children.
June 9, 2009
Gemini You're the kind of person who likes to have the right tool for the job, so don't be caught without a complete set of dental picks this week.
June 2, 2009
Cancer Cancer represents the descent of the self into the collective ocean of spirit and thought. Also, Cancer represents whatever other bullshit you're willing to believe this week.
May 26, 2009
Leo Remember: No matter how bad things get, or how hopeless life may seem, you can always go home again and take it out on your family.
May 19, 2009
Virgo Take solace in this: There is a meaning and purpose to the universe, even if it's far too complicated for you to understand, and won't pay off for years.
May 12, 2009
Libra Get ready to kiss your niece, your nephew, and all of your godchildren goodbye. Though, this time, try not to slip them the tongue while you do it.
May 5, 2009
Scorpio You'll kick back this week with a little bit of Grandpa's cough medicine, which is too bad, as Grandpa was a radiation oncologist.
May 1, 2009
Sagittarius Your decision to take up bicycling will cause many in your area to rethink their call for increased bicycle safety.
Your Birthday Today
You're about to transition into an exciting new phase of your life, thanks to the direct application of heat and your body's rather low melting point.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Remember: While faith can move mountains, only religion is capable of making you feel guilty for doing so.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Others may claim you to be a contrarian, they may accuse you of being a knee-jerk naysayer, of disputing popular opinion for the sake of disputing popular opinion–but then you really couldn't disagree with them more.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
In a tragic twist of fate, you'll be overwhelmed this week by both a sense of fear and a pack of wolves.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You believe there to be only two types of people in the world, those who dismiss your opinions as intensely ignorant and drunk Irishmen.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
The stars predict the beginning of a lifelong romance this week, which just goes to show you how wrong the stars can sometimes be.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You'll be confronted by feelings of anger, disgust, and complete disbelief after taking a trip to the Holocaust Museum bathroom.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Scientists around the world will come to praise you as a true trailblazer in the field of Incorrect Particle Physics.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You'll soon learn that, while the truth can sometimes set you free, other times it can send you to prison for murdering your parents.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
The sudden rise in mood swings, wild food cravings, and rapid head-to-toe hair-growth can only mean one thing: It's that time of the lunar cycle again!
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Unfortunately for you, there's no adage about how to actually dispose of the baby after the bathwater.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Your willingness to die for what you believe in may seem naïve, but someone has to stand up to people who think Ray Combs was the best host of Family Feud.
