Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
You're about to transition into an exciting new phase of your life, thanks to the direct application of heat and your body's rather low melting point.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Remember: While faith can move mountains, only religion is capable of making you feel guilty for doing so.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Others may claim you to be a contrarian, they may accuse you of being a knee-jerk naysayer, of disputing popular opinion for the sake of disputing popular opinion–but then you really couldn't disagree with them more.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
In a tragic twist of fate, you'll be overwhelmed this week by both a sense of fear and a pack of wolves.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You believe there to be only two types of people in the world, those who dismiss your opinions as intensely ignorant and drunk Irishmen.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
The stars predict the beginning of a lifelong romance this week, which just goes to show you how wrong the stars can sometimes be.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You'll be confronted by feelings of anger, disgust, and complete disbelief after taking a trip to the Holocaust Museum bathroom.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Scientists around the world will come to praise you as a true trailblazer in the field of Incorrect Particle Physics.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You'll soon learn that, while the truth can sometimes set you free, other times it can send you to prison for murdering your parents.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
The sudden rise in mood swings, wild food cravings, and rapid head-to-toe hair-growth can only mean one thing: It's that time of the lunar cycle again!
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Unfortunately for you, there's no adage about how to actually dispose of the baby after the bathwater.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Your willingness to die for what you believe in may seem naïve, but someone has to stand up to people who think Ray Combs was the best host of Family Feud.
