Your Horoscope
Your Birthday Today
You're about to transition into an exciting new phase of your life, thanks to the direct application of heat and your body's rather low melting point.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Remember: While faith can move mountains, only religion is capable of making you feel guilty for doing so.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Others may claim you to be a contrarian, they may accuse you of being a knee-jerk naysayer, of disputing popular opinion for the sake of disputing popular opinion–but then you really couldn't disagree with them more.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
In a tragic twist of fate, you'll be overwhelmed this week by both a sense of fear and a pack of wolves.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You believe there to be only two types of people in the world, those who dismiss your opinions as intensely ignorant and drunk Irishmen.
Leo July 23 - August 22
The stars predict the beginning of a lifelong romance this week, which just goes to show you how wrong the stars can sometimes be.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You'll be confronted by feelings of anger, disgust, and complete disbelief after taking a trip to the Holocaust Museum bathroom.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Scientists around the world will come to praise you as a true trailblazer in the field of Incorrect Particle Physics.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You'll soon learn that, while the truth can sometimes set you free, other times it can send you to prison for murdering your parents.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
The sudden rise in mood swings, wild food cravings, and rapid head-to-toe hair-growth can only mean one thing: It's that time of the lunar cycle again!
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Unfortunately for you, there's no adage about how to actually dispose of the baby after the bathwater.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Your willingness to die for what you believe in may seem naïve, but someone has to stand up to people who think Ray Combs was the best host of Family Feud.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Though you've always been the sort of guy to act first and think later, many will soon come to know you as a rather cautious and calculating woman.
Past Horoscopes
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Aries They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Taurus Turns out it's not the ability to reason that separates us from the animals, but rather a very thin, very flimsy wire fence.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Gemini Regret will be yours this week when you're forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Cancer You'll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don't know what "rue" means.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Leo Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Virgo Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Libra Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Scorpio Sometimes the truth can be difficult to hear. Thankfully, a battery-operated megaphone will make your past failures crystal clear.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Sagittarius Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.