Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Your Birthday Today
You're about to transition into an exciting new phase of your life, thanks to the direct application of heat and your body's rather low melting point.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Remember: While faith can move mountains, only religion is capable of making you feel guilty for doing so.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Others may claim you to be a contrarian, they may accuse you of being a knee-jerk naysayer, of disputing popular opinion for the sake of disputing popular opinion–but then you really couldn't disagree with them more.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
In a tragic twist of fate, you'll be overwhelmed this week by both a sense of fear and a pack of wolves.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You believe there to be only two types of people in the world, those who dismiss your opinions as intensely ignorant and drunk Irishmen.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
The stars predict the beginning of a lifelong romance this week, which just goes to show you how wrong the stars can sometimes be.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You'll be confronted by feelings of anger, disgust, and complete disbelief after taking a trip to the Holocaust Museum bathroom.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Scientists around the world will come to praise you as a true trailblazer in the field of Incorrect Particle Physics.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You'll soon learn that, while the truth can sometimes set you free, other times it can send you to prison for murdering your parents.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
The sudden rise in mood swings, wild food cravings, and rapid head-to-toe hair-growth can only mean one thing: It's that time of the lunar cycle again!
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Unfortunately for you, there's no adage about how to actually dispose of the baby after the bathwater.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Your willingness to die for what you believe in may seem naïve, but someone has to stand up to people who think Ray Combs was the best host of Family Feud.
