Past Horoscopes
June 26, 2009
Aries Avoid confrontation at work today. Sneak up behind your boss and slowly strangle him to death.
June 16, 2009
Taurus The stars find that the time has come for you to put away childish things. Yes, that includes your three small children.
June 9, 2009
Gemini You're the kind of person who likes to have the right tool for the job, so don't be caught without a complete set of dental picks this week.
June 2, 2009
Cancer Cancer represents the descent of the self into the collective ocean of spirit and thought. Also, Cancer represents whatever other bullshit you're willing to believe this week.
May 26, 2009
Leo Remember: No matter how bad things get, or how hopeless life may seem, you can always go home again and take it out on your family.
May 19, 2009
Virgo Take solace in this: There is a meaning and purpose to the universe, even if it's far too complicated for you to understand, and won't pay off for years.
May 12, 2009
Libra Get ready to kiss your niece, your nephew, and all of your godchildren goodbye. Though, this time, try not to slip them the tongue while you do it.
May 5, 2009
Scorpio You'll kick back this week with a little bit of Grandpa's cough medicine, which is too bad, as Grandpa was a radiation oncologist.
May 1, 2009
Sagittarius Your decision to take up bicycling will cause many in your area to rethink their call for increased bicycle safety.
Your Birthday Today
Remember not to tell your birthday wish to anyone after blowing out the cake's candles tonight or it won't come true. Although, truth be told, there's very little medical science can do for your mother at this stage in the game.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Years after losing friends and family members to the obsession, you will finally admit that your life-long goal of becoming the Pythagoras of isosceles triangles is not worth the trouble.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
There are times when you wonder how a promising backyard-wrestling star wound up driving an Army transport truck in Iraq, but you usually remember pretty quickly.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Not hitting your shots and a weak zone defense aren't just why your team is losing in the playoffs, it's why the Centralized Space Command will surrender to the Uranus Allied Forces this Thursday.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
It's true that secret agents have crossed international borders with microfilm hidden in their colons, but you should've known better than to try it with three liters of duty-free scotch.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You've often wondered who's responsible for all this fucked-up shit, but that will change Thursday, when you're hired to assist the Director of All This Fucked-Up Shit.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You'll finally break the endlessly mounting tension at work when you cause the rollback of that aggravating "days without an accident" sign.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You've always stressed the importance of manners, but you don't think they need to prevent anyone from killing as many people as possible.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your local EMTs have a hard, gritty, often tragic life, broken up only by their hilarious weekly calls to your combination distillery and chimp farm.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You'll find it hard to live a normal life for the next couple months, during which it will suddenly and inexplicably become fashionable to jump motorcycles over you.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
The fifth coming of Jesus Christ this week will reveal that you haven't been paying as much attention as you'd thought.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Although initially humorous, the apron that you purchase this week will ultimately be unable to overthrow and crush patriarchal society's confining gender roles.
