Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You've long thought of yourself as a left-brain type of person, but the stroke will quickly and dramatically change all that.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
After years of putting up an emotional wall, you'll realize the error of your ways this week and purchase three tons of brick and cement instead.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You will uncover an ancient Aztec curse this Thursday, one frightened locals say translates to "motherfucker."
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
The baboon will see you as a threat to the social hierarchy of the pack, which truth be told, is giving you way too much credit.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
He'll scream, they'll scream, you'll all scream for ice cream—forcing several orderlies to rush back into the room and strap everyone down in their beds.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Interior decorators claim that only about 18 inches of space is needed for people to pass between furnishings, but that was before they got a load of you.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
When asked where you see yourself in five years, refrain from laughing wildly, crying suddenly, and jumping clear out of a nearby window.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
They say you're getting a little too old for a pacifier. Then again, as long as they let you keep sucking on their tits they can say whatever they want.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You're a great believer in "an eye for an eye," but you still don't understand why they always have to use yours.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
A car accident awaits you in the coming days, which is unfortunate, as it's the kind that involves too many Mountain Dews and not enough gas station.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
An abrupt lifestyle change will find you joining the skua, sheathbill and killer whale as the newest natural predator of the penguin.
