Your Horoscope
Your Birthday Today
Romance will bloom all around you today. Unfortunately, it'll resemble the sickening explosion of fungus more than the fragrant awakening of spring.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Losing a limb can be a trying and traumatic experience, but you'll be an expert at it by the end of the week.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it, which explains why you keep trying to invade Russia during the summer of 1941.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You'll soon leave your own personal mark on the world, at least until emergency crews have time to arrive and hose it off.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
All of your money problems will be solved this week when you realize that those large piles of "cash" can be exchanged for goods and services.
Leo July 23 - August 22
It's a filthy habit and you should really know better at your age. Then again, there's something to be said for the convenience of diapers.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
The stars indicate that this is a good week to spend surrounded by loved ones, especially your father, and especially before Thursday.
Libra September 23 - October 23
You claim to be more of a leader than a follower, but that's only because you've heard other people say the same thing before.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
All of those hurtful mother-in-law jokes will come back to haunt you this Friday when you suddenly run out of hurtful mother-in-law jokes to tell.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
The "smoking monkey" gag is a comedy classic, but that was before he started trying to bum cigarettes from you.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You will suffer the greatest humiliation of your life this week when community leaders decide to tear you down for being an eyesore.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Love can make a person do all sorts of weird and crazy things, but in your case, it'll mostly involve showering.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
The Grim Reaper himself will visit you this evening, but much to your dismay, all he really wants is to borrow another 20 dollars.
Past Horoscopes
April 29, 2008
Issue 44•18
Aries Your life story will soon be adapted in a hit Broadway play, though a lot of the over-the-top singing and dancing will have to be cut out in order to fit the stage.
April 22, 2008
Issue 44•17
Taurus While it's true that taking drugs won't make your problems go away, nobody ever said anything about selling drugs.
April 15, 2008
Issue 44•16
Gemini Finding just the right words to express your feelings is often difficult, which is why you'll ultimately settle on a series of obscene hand gestures.
April 8, 2008
Issue 44•15
Cancer While you believe it to be the gentlemanly thing to do, opening trap doors for women actually makes you a giant asshole.
April 1, 2008
Issue 44•14
Leo Your tendency to gamble will result in you losing your house, your car, and your family. Although it's infidelity and not betting that will be to blame.
March 25, 2008
Issue 44•13
Virgo Exposure to bursts of gamma radiation will soon leave you with the tumor-growing ability of 10 regular men.
March 18, 2008
Issue 44•12
Libra There comes a time in every man's life when he's forced to admit that he has failed. For you that time is known as "Tuesdays."
March 11, 2008
Issue 44•11
Scorpio All of those hurtful mother-in-law jokes will come back to haunt you this Friday when you suddenly run out of hurtful mother-in-law jokes to tell.
March 4, 2008
Issue 44•09
Sagittarius They say you’re only as old as you feel, which helps explain why you passed away four years ago.