Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Your Birthday Today
After days of grave and anxious discussion, the stars have decided that it's better you don't know.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You've never been the type to contemplate suicide, a fact made painfully clear by the hurried, rather slapdash nature of your hanging this Thursday.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
A march intended to raise awareness of breast cancer will, after a disastrous turn, raise awareness of drunk driving instead.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
While truth may in fact be stranger than fiction, no one is the least bit interested in your personal adventures in babysitting.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Remember: Only by eliminating feelings of jealousy and competition can you become as happy and healthy a person as that smug bitch Rebecca.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Your dreams will be crushed tonight by the repeated strikes of a titanium crowbar against your skull.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Much to your dismay, you'll find your one true soulmate this week in an ordinary, perfectly inanimate desk lamp.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your pregnancy will be marked by a number of bizarre cravings, including pickles dipped in ice cream, lemons coated with salt, and a father figure to help raise your son.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Just when you think you'll never find the strength to go on, the virgin blood of a fragile waif will fuel you for another 200 years.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Sagittarius is hurt by allegations that it's been slipping product placements into weekly predictions—so hurt in fact that it may soon seek out the pain-relieving properties of Extra Strength Tylenol™.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
While you may have valor, resolve, and even vigor, what you don't have is a basic understanding of what those words actually mean.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Your faith will be tested this week through a series of harrowing multiple-choice sacrifices, several short-answer-style moral decisions, and one page-length final essay on what it means to be devout.
