Past Horoscopes
June 26, 2009
Aries Avoid confrontation at work today. Sneak up behind your boss and slowly strangle him to death.
June 16, 2009
Taurus The stars find that the time has come for you to put away childish things. Yes, that includes your three small children.
June 9, 2009
Gemini You're the kind of person who likes to have the right tool for the job, so don't be caught without a complete set of dental picks this week.
June 2, 2009
Cancer Cancer represents the descent of the self into the collective ocean of spirit and thought. Also, Cancer represents whatever other bullshit you're willing to believe this week.
May 26, 2009
Leo Remember: No matter how bad things get, or how hopeless life may seem, you can always go home again and take it out on your family.
May 19, 2009
Virgo Take solace in this: There is a meaning and purpose to the universe, even if it's far too complicated for you to understand, and won't pay off for years.
May 12, 2009
Libra Get ready to kiss your niece, your nephew, and all of your godchildren goodbye. Though, this time, try not to slip them the tongue while you do it.
May 5, 2009
Scorpio You'll kick back this week with a little bit of Grandpa's cough medicine, which is too bad, as Grandpa was a radiation oncologist.
May 1, 2009
Sagittarius Your decision to take up bicycling will cause many in your area to rethink their call for increased bicycle safety.
Your Birthday Today
After days of grave and anxious discussion, the stars have decided that it's better you don't know.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You've never been the type to contemplate suicide, a fact made painfully clear by the hurried, rather slapdash nature of your hanging this Thursday.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
A march intended to raise awareness of breast cancer will, after a disastrous turn, raise awareness of drunk driving instead.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
While truth may in fact be stranger than fiction, no one is the least bit interested in your personal adventures in babysitting.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Remember: Only by eliminating feelings of jealousy and competition can you become as happy and healthy a person as that smug bitch Rebecca.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Your dreams will be crushed tonight by the repeated strikes of a titanium crowbar against your skull.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Much to your dismay, you'll find your one true soulmate this week in an ordinary, perfectly inanimate desk lamp.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your pregnancy will be marked by a number of bizarre cravings, including pickles dipped in ice cream, lemons coated with salt, and a father figure to help raise your son.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Just when you think you'll never find the strength to go on, the virgin blood of a fragile waif will fuel you for another 200 years.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Sagittarius is hurt by allegations that it's been slipping product placements into weekly predictions—so hurt in fact that it may soon seek out the pain-relieving properties of Extra Strength Tylenol™.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
While you may have valor, resolve, and even vigor, what you don't have is a basic understanding of what those words actually mean.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Your faith will be tested this week through a series of harrowing multiple-choice sacrifices, several short-answer-style moral decisions, and one page-length final essay on what it means to be devout.
