Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You'll be punished for playing God this week, which isn't surprising, considering the cockney accent, exaggerated limp, and thick head of curly blonde hair you gave Him.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
NASA officials will once again select you for a very important mission. Though, to be fair, going out and getting them coffee isn't as exciting as it used to be.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
All of your money problems will soon be solved, including how many more quarters Suzie has than Scott, and what, if any change, Michael should get back from Michelle.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
After years of painstaking research and rigorous clinical trials, medical science still doesn't have an answer for why you're such a jerk.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
That bottle of whiskey might help you sleep, but then, there's probably an easier way than smashing it over your head every night.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You'll be praised for your contributions in the field of forensic science, though much of the credit should go to the barbed wire, the hydrofluoric acid, and the radial arm saw.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Previously on Libra—"Is that…could it be…yes, it's the tall, dark stranger!" "Welcome to Sydney madam, I hope last night's journey over water was to your liking." "32, 8, 17, 24, 5."
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You'll soon discover three new planets, a dwarf star, and two orbiting satellites—an incredible achievement for someone just trying to peer in on his neighbor.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
A mixture of dread, anxiety and utter disgust will be yours this week when the nation's housing blister finally bursts.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You'll soon bathe in the blood of your enemies, though not before a number of rather embarrassing hints from your friends.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Avoid staring directly at the stars this week, as a rider in their contract forbids anyone from making eye contact with them.
