mobile edition

At the AV Club: Stephin Merritt

Horoscopes

Article Tools

Past Horoscopes

February 9, 2010

Aries Nightingales are known for their sweet, often melodious song. However, the one outside your window seems way more interested in Dancehall Reggae.

February 2, 2010

Taurus Not that it's really the Zodiac's business, but most people take the dead goldfish out of the tank before adding new ones. The same goes for the drowned cats.

January 26, 2010

Gemini All that sugar will finally kill you this week when it falls from the top shelf and cracks the back of your head straight open.

January 19, 2010

Cancer Your problem is that you have no sense of proportion, which is why you paid surgeons to enlarge your head and hands.

January 12, 2010

Leo In many ways, you're still a child. None of them, however, will prevent you from being tried this week as an adult.

December 8, 2009

Virgo You'll be shunned when the man you famously taught to fish dies of mercury poisoning.

December 1, 2009

Libra The stars indicate that this is not a good week to start a new love affair. It's a fine week, however, to continue enjoying the old one.

November 24, 2009

Scorpio You always thought the woman of your dreams was a knockout blonde, but tonight there's three prescription Ambiens that say otherwise.

November 17, 2009

Sagittarius You've never worked a day in your life, though that's mainly because you keep getting the damn graveyard shift.

See All Horoscopes

March 17, 2009 | Issue 45•12

 

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19

You'll be punished for playing God this week, which isn't surprising, considering the cockney accent, exaggerated limp, and thick head of curly blonde hair you gave Him.

 

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20

NASA officials will once again select you for a very important mission. Though, to be fair, going out and getting them coffee isn't as exciting as it used to be.

 

Gemini May 21 - Jun 21

All of your money problems will soon be solved, including how many more quarters Suzie has than Scott, and what, if any change, Michael should get back from Michelle.

 

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22

After years of painstaking research and rigorous clinical trials, medical science still doesn't have an answer for why you're such a jerk.

 

Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22

That bottle of whiskey might help you sleep, but then, there's probably an easier way than smashing it over your head every night.

 

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22

You'll be praised for your contributions in the field of forensic science, though much of the credit should go to the barbed wire, the hydrofluoric acid, and the radial arm saw.

 

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23

Previously on Libra—"Is that…could it be…yes, it's the tall, dark stranger!" "Welcome to Sydney madam, I hope last night's journey over water was to your liking." "32, 8, 17, 24, 5."

 

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21

You'll soon discover three new planets, a dwarf star, and two orbiting satellites—an incredible achievement for someone just trying to peer in on his neighbor.

 

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21

A mixture of dread, anxiety and utter disgust will be yours this week when the nation's housing blister finally bursts.

 

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19

You'll soon bathe in the blood of your enemies, though not before a number of rather embarrassing hints from your friends.

 

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18

Avoid staring directly at the stars this week, as a rider in their contract forbids anyone from making eye contact with them.

 

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20

You've spent years living in a fantasy world, which is rather unfortunate, as it's one dreamed up by that hack Robert Jordan.

Meet Other Onion Readers

more personals »