Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
You've always been the type to tackle a problem head-on, which is unfortunate, as your problem today involves a bulldozer.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Life will become needlessly complicated this Thursday when you purchase half as many apples as Cindy, but twice as many oranges as Charles and Cory combined.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The universe has a funny way of balancing things out. Prepare to lose your other eye by the end of the month.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
While you're relieved to hear that the test results were negative, the mile-wide skywriting does seem a little excessive.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
No amount of crying will bring your mother back, which is embarrassing, as she's still alive and you're now a sophomore in college.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You will inspire a new Zen riddle this week when a tree falls on top of you in the woods and there's no one around to hear all the screaming.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Animal rights activists will accuse you of cruel and inhumane conduct, even though the chicken is already dead, and that's just the way you eat wings.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
There comes a time in every man's life when he's forced to admit that he has failed. For you that time is known as "Tuesdays."
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
While you've always worried about the voices inside your head, it's listening to those outside of it that will get you in trouble this week.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Steve Jobs will have limited interest in your prototype of a new iPod that holds up to four songs, yet fits comfortably inside an ordinary dump truck.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You've always believed that what two consenting adults do behind closed doors is none of your business, but that was before they locked themselves inside your bathroom.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Childbirth is both an incredible and beautiful experience. Keep telling yourself that for the next 17 hours or so.
