Your Horoscope
Your Birthday Today
You've always been the type to tackle a problem head-on, which is unfortunate, as your problem today involves a bulldozer.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Life will become needlessly complicated this Thursday when you purchase half as many apples as Cindy, but twice as many oranges as Charles and Cory combined.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
The universe has a funny way of balancing things out. Prepare to lose your other eye by the end of the month.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
While you're relieved to hear that the test results were negative, the mile-wide skywriting does seem a little excessive.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
No amount of crying will bring your mother back, which is embarrassing, as she's still alive and you're now a sophomore in college.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will inspire a new Zen riddle this week when a tree falls on top of you in the woods and there's no one around to hear all the screaming.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Animal rights activists will accuse you of cruel and inhumane conduct, even though the chicken is already dead, and that's just the way you eat wings.
Libra September 23 - October 23
There comes a time in every man's life when he's forced to admit that he has failed. For you that time is known as "Tuesdays."
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
While you've always worried about the voices inside your head, it's listening to those outside of it that will get you in trouble this week.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Steve Jobs will have limited interest in your prototype of a new iPod that holds up to four songs, yet fits comfortably inside an ordinary dump truck.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You've always believed that what two consenting adults do behind closed doors is none of your business, but that was before they locked themselves inside your bathroom.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Childbirth is both an incredible and beautiful experience. Keep telling yourself that for the next 17 hours or so.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will feel truly and wonderfully alive this Wednesday, which is ironic considering what will happen to you this Thursday.
Past Horoscopes
April 29, 2008
Issue 44•18
Aries Your life story will soon be adapted in a hit Broadway play, though a lot of the over-the-top singing and dancing will have to be cut out in order to fit the stage.
April 22, 2008
Issue 44•17
Taurus While it's true that taking drugs won't make your problems go away, nobody ever said anything about selling drugs.
April 15, 2008
Issue 44•16
Gemini Finding just the right words to express your feelings is often difficult, which is why you'll ultimately settle on a series of obscene hand gestures.
April 8, 2008
Issue 44•15
Cancer While you believe it to be the gentlemanly thing to do, opening trap doors for women actually makes you a giant asshole.
April 1, 2008
Issue 44•14
Leo Your tendency to gamble will result in you losing your house, your car, and your family. Although it's infidelity and not betting that will be to blame.
March 25, 2008
Issue 44•13
Virgo Exposure to bursts of gamma radiation will soon leave you with the tumor-growing ability of 10 regular men.
March 18, 2008
Issue 44•12
Libra There comes a time in every man's life when he's forced to admit that he has failed. For you that time is known as "Tuesdays."
March 11, 2008
Issue 44•11
Scorpio All of those hurtful mother-in-law jokes will come back to haunt you this Friday when you suddenly run out of hurtful mother-in-law jokes to tell.
March 4, 2008
Issue 44•09
Sagittarius They say you’re only as old as you feel, which helps explain why you passed away four years ago.