Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Don't worry your pretty little head about next week's events. Instead, worry your pretty little arms, your pretty little legs, and that pretty little spine of yours about it.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The stars would love to give you some relationship advice, but then, they're still quite tired from having all that sex with your wife.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You'll be honored this week by the prestigious Academy Of Just Handing These Damn Things Out To Whoever's Around.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
They say animals can often sense an earthquake moments before it strikes, which explains why so many of them are smiling at you right now.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
A premature and rather curious birth this week will bring new meaning to the idiom "all thumbs."
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Your coworkers are beginning to tire of your lame excuses. Although, to be fair, that's really your plumber's fault.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Looking back on it now, letting Sam Peckinpah direct your home movies was probably a big mistake.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Note: This week's horoscope has been classified by the CIA due to a series of national security concerns. The constellation Scorpio has already been detained.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You've never felt comfortable with math or science, which makes complete sense, as the two disciplines molested you as a child.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
The judge will sentence you to three weeks of community service work at a nearby park, which is exactly what you were doing when the cops picked you up.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Low-Risk Mutual Funds and Tax-Exempt Municipal Bonds might seem like a safe bet. But then, picking a racehorse based solely on its name is never the way to go.
