Your Horoscope
Your Birthday Today
Attempts at self-medicating with alcohol will once again completely fail to treat your rampant alcoholism.
Aries March 21 - April 19
The stars were going to warn you about next Friday, but they've decided it would be funnier if you found out about the goats yourself.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You'll finally lose your virginity this week, though unfortunately for you, it will be to an active volcano.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
They say no news is good news, but you're beginning to suspect there's a reason why those doctors keep avoiding your calls.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Embarrassment will be yours this week when you're caught peeking over someone's shoulder during an important test. The fact that it's a urine test also won't help.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Your interest in temporal paradoxes ends almost before it begins this week, which considering the subject matter, is strangely fitting.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Exposure to bursts of gamma radiation will soon leave you with the tumor-growing ability of 10 regular men.
Libra September 23 - October 23
You've always believed yourself to be filled with self-hatred, but as it turns out you're actually filled with half self-hatred, half triple-fudge ice cream.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
While you admit you've made some mistakes in the past, the clockwork regularity and strangely detached manner in which you do so is really starting to freak people out.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Your health will continue to decline this week due to your tendency to catch every little sniffle, cough, and axe that comes your way.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Due to a series of budgetary cutbacks, your horoscope will be the same as Virgo's until further notice.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Remember: A man is often known by the company he keeps. Take immediate action to shut down Wanton Bigotry, Inc.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Your grisly death beneath a pile of cinnamon rolls this week will prove true one of Nostradamus' least likely prophecies.
Past Horoscopes
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Aries The stars hate to be the bearer of bad news, which is why they've decided to wait for the telegram, the somber representative, and the lifetime supply of Jiffy Pop to arrive instead.
April 29, 2008
Issue 44•18
Taurus What others think of you is a constant source of worry, so take heart in knowing that they rarely ever do.
April 22, 2008
Issue 44•17
Gemini Advances in nanotechnology will soon make it possible for man to travel inside the human body. Until then, however, it's just you and your pinky finger.
April 15, 2008
Issue 44•16
Cancer It's not so much your drinking that will drive loved ones away, but your tendency to operate chainsaws, nail-guns and other industrial power tools while intoxicated.
April 8, 2008
Issue 44•15
Leo The stars foresee church bells in your future, though they'll have less to do with an upcoming wedding, and more to do with you being a hunchbacked monster.
April 1, 2008
Issue 44•14
Virgo People claim that age is nothing more than a state of mind, making this week's stroke revealing on a couple of different levels.
March 25, 2008
Issue 44•13
Libra You've always believed yourself to be filled with self-hatred, but as it turns out you're actually filled with half self-hatred, half triple-fudge ice cream.
March 18, 2008
Issue 44•12
Scorpio While you've always worried about the voices inside your head, it's listening to those outside of it that will get you in trouble this week.
March 11, 2008
Issue 44•11
Sagittarius The "smoking monkey" gag is a comedy classic, but that was before he started trying to bum cigarettes from you.