Past Horoscopes
June 26, 2009
Aries Avoid confrontation at work today. Sneak up behind your boss and slowly strangle him to death.
June 16, 2009
Taurus The stars find that the time has come for you to put away childish things. Yes, that includes your three small children.
June 9, 2009
Gemini You're the kind of person who likes to have the right tool for the job, so don't be caught without a complete set of dental picks this week.
June 2, 2009
Cancer Cancer represents the descent of the self into the collective ocean of spirit and thought. Also, Cancer represents whatever other bullshit you're willing to believe this week.
May 26, 2009
Leo Remember: No matter how bad things get, or how hopeless life may seem, you can always go home again and take it out on your family.
May 19, 2009
Virgo Take solace in this: There is a meaning and purpose to the universe, even if it's far too complicated for you to understand, and won't pay off for years.
May 12, 2009
Libra Get ready to kiss your niece, your nephew, and all of your godchildren goodbye. Though, this time, try not to slip them the tongue while you do it.
May 5, 2009
Scorpio You'll kick back this week with a little bit of Grandpa's cough medicine, which is too bad, as Grandpa was a radiation oncologist.
May 1, 2009
Sagittarius Your decision to take up bicycling will cause many in your area to rethink their call for increased bicycle safety.
Your Birthday Today
Attempts at self-medicating with alcohol will once again completely fail to treat your rampant alcoholism.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
The stars were going to warn you about next Friday, but they've decided it would be funnier if you found out about the goats yourself.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You'll finally lose your virginity this week, though unfortunately for you, it will be to an active volcano.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
They say no news is good news, but you're beginning to suspect there's a reason why those doctors keep avoiding your calls.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Embarrassment will be yours this week when you're caught peeking over someone's shoulder during an important test. The fact that it's a urine test also won't help.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Your interest in temporal paradoxes ends almost before it begins this week, which considering the subject matter, is strangely fitting.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Exposure to bursts of gamma radiation will soon leave you with the tumor-growing ability of 10 regular men.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You've always believed yourself to be filled with self-hatred, but as it turns out you're actually filled with half self-hatred, half triple-fudge ice cream.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
While you admit you've made some mistakes in the past, the clockwork regularity and strangely detached manner in which you do so is really starting to freak people out.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your health will continue to decline this week due to your tendency to catch every little sniffle, cough, and axe that comes your way.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Due to a series of budgetary cutbacks, your horoscope will be the same as Virgo's until further notice.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Remember: A man is often known by the company he keeps. Take immediate action to shut down Wanton Bigotry, Inc.
