Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
Attempts at self-medicating with alcohol will once again completely fail to treat your rampant alcoholism.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
The stars were going to warn you about next Friday, but they've decided it would be funnier if you found out about the goats yourself.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You'll finally lose your virginity this week, though unfortunately for you, it will be to an active volcano.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
They say no news is good news, but you're beginning to suspect there's a reason why those doctors keep avoiding your calls.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Embarrassment will be yours this week when you're caught peeking over someone's shoulder during an important test. The fact that it's a urine test also won't help.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Your interest in temporal paradoxes ends almost before it begins this week, which considering the subject matter, is strangely fitting.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Exposure to bursts of gamma radiation will soon leave you with the tumor-growing ability of 10 regular men.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You've always believed yourself to be filled with self-hatred, but as it turns out you're actually filled with half self-hatred, half triple-fudge ice cream.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
While you admit you've made some mistakes in the past, the clockwork regularity and strangely detached manner in which you do so is really starting to freak people out.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your health will continue to decline this week due to your tendency to catch every little sniffle, cough, and axe that comes your way.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Due to a series of budgetary cutbacks, your horoscope will be the same as Virgo's until further notice.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Remember: A man is often known by the company he keeps. Take immediate action to shut down Wanton Bigotry, Inc.
