Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Your Birthday Today
Attempts at self-medicating with alcohol will once again completely fail to treat your rampant alcoholism.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
The stars were going to warn you about next Friday, but they've decided it would be funnier if you found out about the goats yourself.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You'll finally lose your virginity this week, though unfortunately for you, it will be to an active volcano.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
They say no news is good news, but you're beginning to suspect there's a reason why those doctors keep avoiding your calls.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Embarrassment will be yours this week when you're caught peeking over someone's shoulder during an important test. The fact that it's a urine test also won't help.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Your interest in temporal paradoxes ends almost before it begins this week, which considering the subject matter, is strangely fitting.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Exposure to bursts of gamma radiation will soon leave you with the tumor-growing ability of 10 regular men.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You've always believed yourself to be filled with self-hatred, but as it turns out you're actually filled with half self-hatred, half triple-fudge ice cream.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
While you admit you've made some mistakes in the past, the clockwork regularity and strangely detached manner in which you do so is really starting to freak people out.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your health will continue to decline this week due to your tendency to catch every little sniffle, cough, and axe that comes your way.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Due to a series of budgetary cutbacks, your horoscope will be the same as Virgo's until further notice.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Remember: A man is often known by the company he keeps. Take immediate action to shut down Wanton Bigotry, Inc.
