Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Your Birthday Today
Moments after accepting Jesus as your own personal savior, you'll be irritated to learn that He must be shared with the world's other 2.3 billion Christians.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your health will continue to decline due to your tendency to catch every little sniffle, cough, and axe that comes your way.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You thought the loss of your true love was the worst pain you could ever feel, but that was before you started vomiting up huge gouts of furious hornets.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
It's been a long time since you were hit by a bus, a fact that will suddenly occur to every commercial-license-holding man and woman within 350 miles of your house.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You'll finally be scheduled for that heart transplant, but unfortunately you'll get that one surgeon who suffers from simultaneous narcolepsy, sleepwalking, and incredibly vivid dreams about attending pig roasts.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You'll ignore the voice of reason once again this week, but that's largely due to it having grown hoarse and nearly inaudible over the years.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
While you'll incur the contempt of hundreds for killing a man at point-blank range, you would've likely earned the disdain of thousands more had you missed from so close up.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
As hard as you may try, there are some things in life that just can't be explained without the help of a clear and concise PowerPoint presentation.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
The week will start off shaky for you, but as long as you remember to... If You'd Like To Read More Of This Horoscope, Please Send $10 COD to Scorpio, Helena, MT 59601.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You'll be forced to choose between all that life has to offer and few more minutes of sleep this week.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Remember: It's not the size of the boat that matters, but whether or not it's equipped with fresh water, flare guns, shark repellent, and a copy of the Bible.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You'll make a definite impression on the object of your desire this week when you carve a heart and your initials on the big tree in the park as well as on the surface of your eyes.
