Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You'll have your train of thought derailed this week, instantly killing thousands of Indian passengers, injuring countless livestock, and choking the streets with cargo and crew.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Since the dawn of time, man has dreamed of flying. After this Thursday though, it'll mostly just be nightmares.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
It's not true that everything you like is illegal, immoral, or fattening, but that's because you're a boring Puritan with no imagination or glands.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Not that it's really the Zodiac's business, but most people take the dead goldfish out of the tank before adding new ones. The same goes for the drowned cats.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
A freak accident this week will endow you with the relative strength and speed of 10 wheelchair-bound men.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You've never paid much attention to abandoned offshore oil platforms before, but suddenly everyone seems to think they'd be perfect for you.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Getting laid off is a tough pill to swallow, though that's primarily because it's a suppository.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Through the impressive process of extending Orion's celestial finger, the stars indicate that you should fuck off.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Sometimes you wish you could just close your eyes and disappear. Wait, no. Not sometimes. Always.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Next time, when passing a note intended to find out if someone likes you, you'll know to provide more than one box to check.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
It turns out that Andy Warhol overestimated the duration of your fame by about 14 and a half minutes.
