Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You'll have your train of thought derailed this week, instantly killing thousands of Indian passengers, injuring countless livestock, and choking the streets with cargo and crew.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Since the dawn of time, man has dreamed of flying. After this Thursday though, it'll mostly just be nightmares.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
It's not true that everything you like is illegal, immoral, or fattening, but that's because you're a boring Puritan with no imagination or glands.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Not that it's really the Zodiac's business, but most people take the dead goldfish out of the tank before adding new ones. The same goes for the drowned cats.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
A freak accident this week will endow you with the relative strength and speed of 10 wheelchair-bound men.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You've never paid much attention to abandoned offshore oil platforms before, but suddenly everyone seems to think they'd be perfect for you.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Getting laid off is a tough pill to swallow, though that's primarily because it's a suppository.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Through the impressive process of extending Orion's celestial finger, the stars indicate that you should fuck off.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Sometimes you wish you could just close your eyes and disappear. Wait, no. Not sometimes. Always.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Next time, when passing a note intended to find out if someone likes you, you'll know to provide more than one box to check.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
It turns out that Andy Warhol overestimated the duration of your fame by about 14 and a half minutes.
