Past Horoscopes
June 26, 2009
Aries Avoid confrontation at work today. Sneak up behind your boss and slowly strangle him to death.
June 16, 2009
Taurus The stars find that the time has come for you to put away childish things. Yes, that includes your three small children.
June 9, 2009
Gemini You're the kind of person who likes to have the right tool for the job, so don't be caught without a complete set of dental picks this week.
June 2, 2009
Cancer Cancer represents the descent of the self into the collective ocean of spirit and thought. Also, Cancer represents whatever other bullshit you're willing to believe this week.
May 26, 2009
Leo Remember: No matter how bad things get, or how hopeless life may seem, you can always go home again and take it out on your family.
May 19, 2009
Virgo Take solace in this: There is a meaning and purpose to the universe, even if it's far too complicated for you to understand, and won't pay off for years.
May 12, 2009
Libra Get ready to kiss your niece, your nephew, and all of your godchildren goodbye. Though, this time, try not to slip them the tongue while you do it.
May 5, 2009
Scorpio You'll kick back this week with a little bit of Grandpa's cough medicine, which is too bad, as Grandpa was a radiation oncologist.
May 1, 2009
Sagittarius Your decision to take up bicycling will cause many in your area to rethink their call for increased bicycle safety.
Your Birthday Today
Try and resist the feeling that your birthday is but a special commemoration of your progress toward the grave. It's not that special.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your drinking is beginning to drive your friends and loved ones away from you, making you wish you'd thought of it much earlier.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
It's useless to sit at home and wish that a crazed masked murderer would take a welding torch and slaughter your town's sexually active teens when you own a perfectly good welder's torch yourself.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You finally seem to be cured of your blatantly self-destructive tendencies, but you can't shake the feeling that two legs are twice as many as a person really needs.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You've thought about trying online dating, but you can't help noticing that the Personal Of The Day is always the same person, who, despite being attractive and interesting, somehow still can't get a date.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You'll be unsure exactly what to do when that one girl who always wins the lottery and knows who's going to win all the baseball games tells you she's worried about radiation.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
The tension will mount slowly over the next few days as the needle touching the surface of your eyeball begins to press slowly but inexorably harder.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You can never remember if, when meeting new business associates, you're supposed to give your name and shake hands firmly while looking them in the eye, or break their collarbones with the edge of your hand and run away to study woodworking in New Hampshire under an assumed name.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your career as a professional gold-digger gets off to a bad start when the construction workers you're attracted to are found to lack diggable gold.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You'll be wandering the streets, lost in thought, pondering the missing factors in your million-dollar plan, when suddenly it will hit you: the cross-town A63 express bus.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You've tried analyzing them through mass spectrometry, centrifuging them to separate their component elements, and searching everywhere inside them, but you still just don't understand women.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You'll take a long night journey over water accompanied by a dark stranger while starting new projects both at work and in your love life after every star in the sky somehow winds up in your sign this week.
