Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
The stars foretell of a mad prophet rising in the East in the moon's next cycle. They hope this somehow helps you with your life.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
No one will be able to describe your death without using a lot of violent hand gestures, making whooping sounds, and generally doing his or her best "angry chimp" imitation.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You have failed in your life's goal, but don't feel too bad: Of all the people who dream of working at a fast-food restaurant, only 98 percent actually make it.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Don't waste time developing a healthy body image, as your body will look a hell of a lot different starting Thursday.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Turns out your nightmarish descent into alcoholism and drug abuse will be a lot more fun than expected.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
The events of next week will closely mirror all the other events in your life up to that point.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your natural resourcefulness allows you to enjoy father-daughter day at the zoo, though you are neither a father nor a daughter, and you can't stand animals.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Do not believe those who tell you they can see your future. They are merely preying upon your ignorant, fearful, superstitious nature.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your decision to take up bicycling will cause many in your area to rethink their call for increased bicycle safety.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You'll finally find yourself in a relationship that may not end with you asking the other person if they'd like a bag for that.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Though your birthday falls into the correct range of dates, the stars say you are not actually an Aquarius. In fact, they are pretty sure you're an asshole.
