Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
The stars foretell of a mad prophet rising in the East in the moon's next cycle. They hope this somehow helps you with your life.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
No one will be able to describe your death without using a lot of violent hand gestures, making whooping sounds, and generally doing his or her best "angry chimp" imitation.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You have failed in your life's goal, but don't feel too bad: Of all the people who dream of working at a fast-food restaurant, only 98 percent actually make it.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Don't waste time developing a healthy body image, as your body will look a hell of a lot different starting Thursday.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Turns out your nightmarish descent into alcoholism and drug abuse will be a lot more fun than expected.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
The events of next week will closely mirror all the other events in your life up to that point.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your natural resourcefulness allows you to enjoy father-daughter day at the zoo, though you are neither a father nor a daughter, and you can't stand animals.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Do not believe those who tell you they can see your future. They are merely preying upon your ignorant, fearful, superstitious nature.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your decision to take up bicycling will cause many in your area to rethink their call for increased bicycle safety.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You'll finally find yourself in a relationship that may not end with you asking the other person if they'd like a bag for that.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Though your birthday falls into the correct range of dates, the stars say you are not actually an Aquarius. In fact, they are pretty sure you're an asshole.
