Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You have a mind like a steel-trap, much to the horror of all those poor naked women locked inside.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Never in a million years did you think you'd be diagnosed with split-personality disorder, which is surprising, as Frank saw it coming a mile away.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
A prize-winning horse should have a thick coat, strong hindquarters, and an elegant gait. Also, it probably shouldn't talk, suddenly split in two, and run off in opposing directions.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
It's not enough to just sit there and cry about your problems all night long. Try also kicking your legs a bit to see if that helps.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Border guards will accuse you of trying to smuggle 10 pounds of prime Chilean beef inside your colon, though the condition they'll find it in will be less than desirable.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You're getting to be much too old for a babysitter, especially one who's supposed to be watching after your children.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
The stars foresee a huge promotion at work this week. Get ready to move up to Senior Person Who Nobody Takes Seriously Or Respects.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You'll kick back this week with a little bit of Grandpa's cough medicine, which is too bad, as Grandpa was a radiation oncologist.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Behind every successful man is a woman. However, if they find the basement full of yours, you can kiss your career in politics goodbye.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
A little piece of you will die this week, clotting the little fluids it helps to circulate, collapsing the little lungs it helps to expand, and completely shutting down your little nerve center.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. However, the exaggerated and drawn-out stutter they say it with indicates otherwise.
