Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You have a mind like a steel-trap, much to the horror of all those poor naked women locked inside.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Never in a million years did you think you'd be diagnosed with split-personality disorder, which is surprising, as Frank saw it coming a mile away.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
A prize-winning horse should have a thick coat, strong hindquarters, and an elegant gait. Also, it probably shouldn't talk, suddenly split in two, and run off in opposing directions.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
It's not enough to just sit there and cry about your problems all night long. Try also kicking your legs a bit to see if that helps.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Border guards will accuse you of trying to smuggle 10 pounds of prime Chilean beef inside your colon, though the condition they'll find it in will be less than desirable.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You're getting to be much too old for a babysitter, especially one who's supposed to be watching after your children.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
The stars foresee a huge promotion at work this week. Get ready to move up to Senior Person Who Nobody Takes Seriously Or Respects.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You'll kick back this week with a little bit of Grandpa's cough medicine, which is too bad, as Grandpa was a radiation oncologist.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Behind every successful man is a woman. However, if they find the basement full of yours, you can kiss your career in politics goodbye.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
A little piece of you will die this week, clotting the little fluids it helps to circulate, collapsing the little lungs it helps to expand, and completely shutting down your little nerve center.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. However, the exaggerated and drawn-out stutter they say it with indicates otherwise.
