Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Your Birthday Today
She may only be a distant cousin of yours, but you'll still feel immense guilt after spending the night with a lower-order primate this week.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
The stars hate to be the bearer of bad news, which is why they've decided to wait for the telegram, the somber representative, and the lifetime supply of Jiffy Pop to arrive instead.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You couldn't have done it without the encouragement and assistance of your college professor, which is too bad, since "it" refers to getting pregnant and dropping out of school.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
A team of surgeons will be forced to amputate your leg this Thursday in order to keep themselves from getting bored.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
While there's something to be said for devoting your life to your job, you're beginning to suspect it mostly involves swearing.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You'll feel like a fish out of water this week when a group of large men drag you onto the bow of their boat, remove the steel hook from your jaw, and strike you in the back of the head with a hammer.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
They may think they have you beat, but soon the tables will turn, sending their Scrabble board and all of its wooden tiles onto the floor.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You'll dive into frigid waters to save the life of a complete stranger this week. Unfortunately for you, he'll end up just being your brother.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Remember: Those who can't do, teach. And those who can't teach just keep repeating the same tired maxim over and over again.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
City officials will name a public holiday in your honor this week, making May 9th forever Aw, Who The Hell Cares Who We Give These Things Out To Anymore Day.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
A mob of torch-wielding villagers will soon gather outside your home, which is odd, as you don't remember inviting a mob of torch-wielding villagers over.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Goodwill and cheer will cause your heart to swell to three times its normal size this week, only to explode minutes later, spreading festive joy all over your respiratory system.
