Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
Remember not to tell your birthday wish to anyone after blowing out the cake's candles tonight or it won't come true. Although, truth be told, there's very little medical science can do for your mother at this stage in the game.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Sometimes expressing yourself to your boyfriend might be difficult, but he can't read your mind. Break up with him and find a psychic boyfriend.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
It may have been a unique way to propose marriage, but you wish that your husband would simply pick up the phone and call you, rather than renting the Jumbotron every time he has something to say.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You’ve been struck by Cupid’s magical arrow before, but you and dozens of others will be unprepared for his use of an enchanted Gatling gun.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Remember: Only by eliminating feelings of jealousy and competition can you become as happy and healthy a person as that smug bitch Rebecca.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You've slaved away for months to design your own fashion line, but it's your boyfriend who will make a splash with his insouciantly tucked-in turtlenecks.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
An impromptu survey of the NHL's 10 best goalies ranks you as the worst lay in all of the U.S. and Canada.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your real name will eventually be forgotten, but you will enter the American folk mythos as The Woman With Great Hair Who Still Couldn't Keep A Man.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
The twin specters of confusion and bankruptcy haunt your life when Wilford Brimley confronts you with a prenuptial contract you do not remember signing.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Alarming developments this week mean that withholding sex will no longer be one of your more effective threats.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Northerly winds will whisper the name of a former love in your ear, ruthlessly mocking you for having had a relationship with someone called "Ooooouuuuussssshhhhhh."
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
While your claims of being a self-made woman are valid, everyone's still a little distracted by all the purplish-black scars and amateurish stitching.
