Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You'll awake this week to find a complete stranger in your room, along with her husband, their two daughters, and all of their belongings, furniture and clothes.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The stars indicate the start of an exciting new career in the coming days. Though it's really those asteroids you should be paying closer attention to.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You've always been handy with a bow saw, which is good news, as you've never been handy with a bear trap.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
The debate over capital punishment rages on this week when hundreds of citizen argue over who gets to strap you in.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Remember: Nobody likes to be called a "cold fish" in bed, but taking your bar's love tester home isn't going to prove anything.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Inspiration will hit you when you least expect it this week, knocking you completely unconscious while your back is turned.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Get ready to kiss your niece, your nephew, and all of your godchildren goodbye. Though, this time, try not to slip them the tongue while you do it.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You've never been the type of person who runs away at the first sign of trouble. But that's because you're long gone by the time it arrives.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your exaggerated sense of self-worth takes a steep drop this week when the pyramid of milk bottles refuses to fall.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
A thousand monkeys at a thousand typewriters for a thousand years may not be able to produce the works of Shakespeare, but they could probably come up with a better hyperbole in half that time.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Your disdain for authority will be full display this week when you pick a fight with a handsome set of leather-bound encyclopedias.
