Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You'll awake this week to find a complete stranger in your room, along with her husband, their two daughters, and all of their belongings, furniture and clothes.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The stars indicate the start of an exciting new career in the coming days. Though it's really those asteroids you should be paying closer attention to.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You've always been handy with a bow saw, which is good news, as you've never been handy with a bear trap.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
The debate over capital punishment rages on this week when hundreds of citizen argue over who gets to strap you in.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Remember: Nobody likes to be called a "cold fish" in bed, but taking your bar's love tester home isn't going to prove anything.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Inspiration will hit you when you least expect it this week, knocking you completely unconscious while your back is turned.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Get ready to kiss your niece, your nephew, and all of your godchildren goodbye. Though, this time, try not to slip them the tongue while you do it.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You've never been the type of person who runs away at the first sign of trouble. But that's because you're long gone by the time it arrives.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your exaggerated sense of self-worth takes a steep drop this week when the pyramid of milk bottles refuses to fall.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
A thousand monkeys at a thousand typewriters for a thousand years may not be able to produce the works of Shakespeare, but they could probably come up with a better hyperbole in half that time.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Your disdain for authority will be full display this week when you pick a fight with a handsome set of leather-bound encyclopedias.
