Your Horoscope
Your Birthday Today
Lady Luck will be on your side this week. Unfortunately for you, Lady Skill, Lady Experience, and Lady Applied Probability Theory won't.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Coughing up blood is usually a sign of serious illness, but in your case it just means you're drinking it too fast.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
It's difficult to imagine what life would be like without your family, which is why you'll resort to a series of detailed sketches, diagrams, and plans.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Earth and water magicks are strong in Gemini this week. Prepare to lose everything you own in a devastating mudslide.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You'll soon be transformed into a half-man, half-wolf monstrosity—bringing you one step closer to becoming a full-fledged human.
Leo July 23 - August 22
A wise man once said, "To err is human; to forgive divine." But it's the fact that he charged for the advice that made him shrewd.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You'll lose your childlike innocence this Thursday, and, after pleading guilty to a number of charges, your adult-like innocence as well.
Libra September 23 - October 23
A healthy relationship is all about compromise, or at least that's what you'll agree to in order to get your partner off your back.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Your amusing hospital jig will make all the patients smile, but that's only because they'll realize that dying of cancer isn't the most dehumanizing thing on earth.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
The stars indicate that you can receive your personalized horoscope reading in Spanish by pressing 3 now.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Maturity is often linked with a greater sense of responsibility, but you'll have to settle for a thick outer skin and deep yellow color.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
They can take away your house, and they can take away your car, but they'll never take away your dignity. Probably because it isn't worth very much.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
While you've always believed in life after death, it's the possibility of life before death you're beginning to wonder about.
Past Horoscopes
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Aries Jealousy, suspicion, and utter confusion will be yours this week when you find yourself at the center of a bizarre love rhombus.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Taurus After experiencing the steep drops, abrupt climbs, and out-of-control spins of a roller coaster this week, you'll finally see why your therapist so often invokes them in characterizing your mental states.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Gemini They may make your heart race and your knees tremble, but remember: Women are just as scared of you as you are of them.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Cancer The stars indicate that they know very well who ate the last of the cottage cheese and would appreciate you replacing it, thank you.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Leo The loss of a child is never easy, especially when the resourceful little pest keeps managing to find his way back home.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Virgo You'll lose your childlike innocence this Thursday, and, after pleading guilty to a number of charges, your adult-like innocence as well.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Libra You'll dive into frigid waters to save the life of a complete stranger this week. Unfortunately for you, he'll end up just being your brother.
April 29, 2008
Issue 44•18
Scorpio Your hands will be covered in blood this Thursday, as will your clothes, and all of your walls. Then again, painting is always a little bit messy.
April 22, 2008
Issue 44•17
Sagittarius You will soon achieve a kind of immortality. Unfortunately for you, it's the kind that involves being hooked up to an emergency room respirator for the rest of eternity.