Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Your Birthday Today
Lady Luck will be on your side this week. Unfortunately for you, Lady Skill, Lady Experience, and Lady Applied Probability Theory won't.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Coughing up blood is usually a sign of serious illness, but in your case it just means you're drinking it too fast.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
It's difficult to imagine what life would be like without your family, which is why you'll resort to a series of detailed sketches, diagrams, and plans.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Earth and water magicks are strong in Gemini this week. Prepare to lose everything you own in a devastating mudslide.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You'll soon be transformed into a half-man, half-wolf monstrosity—bringing you one step closer to becoming a full-fledged human.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
A wise man once said, "To err is human; to forgive divine." But it's the fact that he charged for the advice that made him shrewd.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You'll lose your childlike innocence this Thursday, and, after pleading guilty to a number of charges, your adult-like innocence as well.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
A healthy relationship is all about compromise, or at least that's what you'll agree to in order to get your partner off your back.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your amusing hospital jig will make all the patients smile, but that's only because they'll realize that dying of cancer isn't the most dehumanizing thing on earth.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
The stars indicate that you can receive your personalized horoscope reading in Spanish by pressing 3 now.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Maturity is often linked with a greater sense of responsibility, but you'll have to settle for a thick outer skin and deep yellow color.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
They can take away your house, and they can take away your car, but they'll never take away your dignity. Probably because it isn't worth very much.
