Past Horoscopes
June 26, 2009
Aries Avoid confrontation at work today. Sneak up behind your boss and slowly strangle him to death.
June 16, 2009
Taurus The stars find that the time has come for you to put away childish things. Yes, that includes your three small children.
June 9, 2009
Gemini You're the kind of person who likes to have the right tool for the job, so don't be caught without a complete set of dental picks this week.
June 2, 2009
Cancer Cancer represents the descent of the self into the collective ocean of spirit and thought. Also, Cancer represents whatever other bullshit you're willing to believe this week.
May 26, 2009
Leo Remember: No matter how bad things get, or how hopeless life may seem, you can always go home again and take it out on your family.
May 19, 2009
Virgo Take solace in this: There is a meaning and purpose to the universe, even if it's far too complicated for you to understand, and won't pay off for years.
May 12, 2009
Libra Get ready to kiss your niece, your nephew, and all of your godchildren goodbye. Though, this time, try not to slip them the tongue while you do it.
May 5, 2009
Scorpio You'll kick back this week with a little bit of Grandpa's cough medicine, which is too bad, as Grandpa was a radiation oncologist.
May 1, 2009
Sagittarius Your decision to take up bicycling will cause many in your area to rethink their call for increased bicycle safety.
Your Birthday Today
Cosmologists have determined that the universe's expansion will ultimately yield an environment in which energy dwindles away, leaving all of Creation a cold dead place—but today's your special day!
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You'll find what you need in the sweet, innocent arms of a child, especially since what you need is fresh bone marrow.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You'll be unable to quite remember Sebastian Cabot's name this week, despite everyone saying, "You mean Sebastian Cabot?" every time you describe Sebastian Cabot.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You can no longer deny the strength of the feelings growing inside you. Nor can the 18 other bus passengers present for your rippling volley of explosive orgasms.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
The old adage that begins "For want of a nail" will take on special meaning for you this week when a time-travel accident leaves you standing empty-handed at the Crucifixion.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Your lawsuit against the drug companies will sputter out when it turns out the major suppliers of top-shelf blow aren't "companies" in.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Keep in mind this week that anger is fear in disguise, although why you'd be afraid of the soda machine eating your dollar is for you alone to answer.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You're no detective, but you're pretty sure the bloody toothprints on the scrap of diaper stuck in your truck's radiator are a clue.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
While the directors of the Palomar Observatory admit the nebula has an unusual shape, they do not believe you caught God masturbating.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
The artificial-looking eyes, the strange metallic horns, and the revving sound coming from within the hide should have made you realize that what you faced in the corrida last week was no real bull.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Experts will speculate wildly about your reason for crossing the road when post-mortem tests reveal that you were in fact not a chicken.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You'll cry because you have no shoes until you see a man who has no shame stretching out his anus to the size of a soup bowl and putting pictures of it on the Internet.
